It is a well-known fact that morally, professionally, ethically, and physically, I am as solid as a rock. A paragon of rugged, masculine reliability. A veritable slab of discipline. A productive quarry yielding up metric-ton after metric-ton of sheer bonhomie and can-do optimism. I’m the bona-fide Ruhr Valley of getting things done. The Venerable Bede, paraphrasing a bit of ancient folklore, once wrote: “While Adriano stands, Rome shall stand; when Adriano falls, Rome shall fall; when Rome falls, the world shall fall.” It’s a heavy cross to bear, but I do so with equanimity and pluck.

As a testament to my unshakeable commitment to serving as the steady, thrumming motor of the Arts Board, I present to you some excerpts from blog pieces that I have totally written in a timely fashion for the Arts Blog. They’re there; I promise. You’re just not looking hard enough. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Music Video Breakdown—Emotional Mugger—

“What is it about this man that impedes his cameraman’s ability to keep his camera steady? Is it his gray one-piece? His triangle of matted, curly hair? This 15-minute epic has given me much, but this final answer remains elusive. Will report after the next 10 viewings.”

What the Hell Happened—Liberation of the Serfs?—

“I have tons of villein friends, and they all think Alexander II is making a catastrophic mistake.” {shortcode-c9aa642cc5190dcaedf0d0c945dd8cbd95ad9718}

MacGyver—

“I do, however, take issue with the continuity reboot inherent in this series revival. The original series had such a rich supporting cast and an intricate system of lore—the new series papers over all this. A more straightforward, in-universe sequel series would have perhaps have been more apropos. What diehard fan wouldn’t have liked to see ‘MacGyver 2: Son of MacGyver’ or ‘MacGyver in Hong Kong’ or even ‘Back From The Grave: MacGyver’s Last Stand,’ instead of the insipid rehash we received?”

What the Hell Happened—Ms. Pac-Man: The Patriarchy Wins Again—

“How are we, as modern consumers of the Arcade Game as Art, expected to reconcile Ms. Pac-Man’s staggering competence in the Maze with her willingness to abandon it? In a scant three cutscenes, external to the action, she meets, falls in love with, and conceives a child with her male counterpart, ostensibly sacrificing the inescapable maze of ghosts and pellets for the far more treacherous maze of the domestic sphere.”

What the Hell Happened—Dan Quayle: Hot or Not—

“Were it not for that shrew Marilyn Tucker, Vice President Quayle would undoubtedly hold the title of Washington’s Hottest Bachelor. That salt-and-paprika hair, that rugged jawline, those eyes—so soft yet so piercing, sparkling like an unscratched Laserdisc in the cool Indiana sun.”

—Adriano O. Iqbal is the outgoing Editor-At-Large and incoming Columns exec. Rumor has it that he once went an entire week without ratcheting outgoing chair Ha D. H. Le’s faith in humanity down a few notches.