As much of the Ivy League finds itself in a contentious place, beat writer Sam Danello offers his take on this week’s matchups. Despite perrenial losers Brown, Columbia, and Cornell all struggling as expected, one can only hope the rest of the season will offer some sembplance of entertainment

Every October the arrival of Halloween makes me confront two questions. First, how many king-sized Snicker bars is too many? Second, is there any truth to those stories about lunatics slipping razor blades into candy bars?

The answer to the first question is that there is no answer. The answer to the second question is equally depressing.

A quick glance at 2015 headlines shows that lunatics did insert a range of objects—including razors, pins, needles, and pills—into sweets. No one was seriously injured, but the incidents affected trick-or-treaters. As one article reported, “Mya Ogg, 11, says she enjoys Halloween as much as any kid, but after seeing pills in her candy, she says she no longer wants to go trick-or-treating.”

It’s a logical reaction, and I wonder if fans of Ancient Eight programs not named Harvard, Princeton, or Penn might feel the same way. Collectively they entered the season with their mouths open, ready for a sugary high. Instead, they chomped down on the razor blade of defeat and the sewing needle of remembering that they lived in New Haven.

But downtrodden fans, fear not—the Ivy League season is no more finished than you-know-who’s fifth beer. Teams have played only three Ivy League games, meaning that more than half the schedule remains.

That’s right, Cornell. There’s still hope. It’s Halloween weekend, after all, meaning the one time that Columbia coach Al Bagnoli can dress up as the Penn coach and pretend that he’s joking.

I’m kidding. Well, kind of. Lest we forget, Columbia is 2-4.

Coach Bagnoli, I get your frustration. Really, I do. Sometimes Ivy League football can be a slog, like taking a bus to Princeton at 2:30 a.m. on the night you celebrate your roommate’s 21st birthday. Maybe one of your friends holds a tropical-themed party, and maybe you show up in shorts and a T-shirt despite forecasts for freezing rain. It’s possible that, when you order your Uber, you forget your comfortable sweatshirt at that tropical-themed party. Assuming you board the bus at South Station on time, you might just regret your lack of warmth for the next nine hours—a period that includes a stop in New York City, a mile-long walk through more freezing rain, a sleepless layover in Port Authority a.k.a the Dungeon of Grunge, another bus ride to New Jersey, and another mile-long walk through freezing rain. At least the stadium press box will have hot chocolate and cookies. Theoretically speaking.

I fear that I’ve already said too much. Let’s move onto the picks.

YALE AT COLUMBIA

Earlier this week, the New Haven Police Department added 16 new patrol cars. The brand-new Dodge Chargers replaced a stable of old vehicles, some of which had totaled nearly 140,000 miles. Either that’s thousands and thousands of late-night donut runs, or that’s a lot of crime. You tell me which explanation makes more sense.

All told, the police now boast a fleet of 349 vehicles, meaning just enough to round up all the fugitive students fleeing Yale on foot.

The Bulldogs will draw upon that running spirit Friday when the program’s productive rushing attack (176 yards per game) faces Columbia’s hard-nosed defense.

The Lions may have held Dartmouth to seven points last week in a surprise win, but I don’t expect a repeat feat. After all, following a 42-7 loss to an explosive Penn team, Yale will come out hungry. That appetite alone provides an edge.

Pick: Yale 13, Columbia 10

PRINCETON AT CORNELL

Those students escaping New Haven have a few different options for asylum. Sadly Ithaca, N.Y. doesn’t make the list.

This column has gone to great lengths to point out the difficulties that plague this picturesque town in rural New York—problems that range from a poisonous plant garden to a heroin epidemic, from blocky architecture to Cornell students.

When it rains in Ithaca, it truly pours. Last Friday, for example, nearly three-and-a-half inches of rain—more than an average month’s total!—drenched the campus. Rumor has it that optimistic students abandoned their classwork, knelt in the flooded streets, and began to pray fervently. Finally the apocalypse had come; their Cornell education was over.

Ah, but not yet. After every Biblical rainstorm comes a day of sunshine—meaning another chance to see Ithaca in the light. Sometimes life is a fate worse than death.

That adage applies beautifully to this weekend, when Princeton football will travel to Cornell after a heartbreaking loss to Harvard last Saturday. A word of advice to zookeepers everywhere: Never mess with an angry tiger.

Pick: Princeton 42, Cornell 17

HARVARD AT DARTMOUTH

In recent days, a different kind of beast has tormented the Dartmouth campus. Yes, the bears have arrived.

In this case, a mama bear and three cubs have launched a series of increasingly brazen attacks against ice cream saucers and Goldfish cartons.

Hanover partisans—all three of them—will be quick to note that the last bear fatality in New Hampshire occurred in 1784, meaning before the HUDS strike began. Some students have even greeted the ferocious predator with enthusiasm. “It was like watching Planet Earth,” one said. “It was great.”

This Saturday, when Harvard takes on Dartmouth, spectators might expect to see another Planet Earth staple—the mauling of a small agile animal by a larger predator.

Indeed, the Big Green has started Ivy play 0-3, with losses to Penn, Yale, and Columbia. Yet all these games have been competitive and provided a chance for Dartmouth’s young defense to grow.

Moreover, we shouldn’t forget recent history. Last year the Big Green suffered tragedy in a 14-13 loss to the Crimson. That defeat certainly still stings, and on its homecoming, Dartmouth will come out with fire.

Subtly this matchup is the most unpredictable of the weekend. I have a better chance of surviving a bear attack than picking the right score.

Pick: Harvard 24, Dartmouth 20

BROWN AT PENN

Apparently zany news stories proliferate in the Ivy League, but one in particular stands out: the case of the “bad monk” at Penn.

Earlier in October, a rogue student sent 60 emails to the inboxes of nearly 2,400 people. That’s a huge dump of information, equivalent to Isa DeLaura’s limerick at Grand Elections. No joke, the perpetrator was taking a course called “Wasting Time on the Internet.” Here at Harvard at least we call it General Education.

The twist in this story brings to mind the plot of The Hangover Part II. It turns out that the serial emailer was taking a Religious Studies class nicknamed the “monk class,” an offering that required a month of asceticism. So the one person capable of unwinding this email fiasco is undergoing a vow of silence.

On Saturday Penn football will hit Brown with the force of 144,000 emails. After dropping two non-conference contests to start the season, the Quakers have won four straight. No one can run with junior wide receiver Justin Watson, senior quarterback Alek Torgersen has thrown 12 touchdowns versus two interceptions, and the defense is fearsome.

Expect a demolition that will shock even the most loyal Brown fan into a vow of silence.

Pick: Penn 42, Brown 10

—Staff writer Sam Danello can be reached at sam.danello@thecrimson.com.