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Jude Russo

Choice Quote: “Theater did not happen.”

Are you an unholy combination of Herodotus, combs, and the first half of the “Twilight” series? Congrats! You’re Jude. You float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. Sometimes you drink gasoline to impress your TF, to no avail. Readers love you, compers fear you, and your TF remains ambivalent toward you.

Abby Noyes

Choice Quote: “I want to go to there.”

You’re Abby if you make a mean corn bake. You’re a southern belle as sweet as Tupelo honey with an affinity for pugs. You’re not afraid to stick it to the man. You don’t need no man. You co-wrote Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man.” You are not a man. Man, you feel like a woman. Did we mention corn bake? You love corn bake.

Grace Huckins

Choice Quote: “Give. Me. BRAIIIIIIINS.”

You’re Grace if you enjoy studying the subtle complexities of the mind, baking snickerdoodle cookies, and devouring the souls of your enemies. For research purposes. You are Jay Z’s muse and Beyoncé’s mortal enemy. Did you know you’re the princess of Genovia? WELL, YOU ARE. Soak it in.

David Kurlander

Choice Quote: “You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.”

Do you have a passion for fashion? A soft spot for romantic comedies starring a young Julia Roberts? A criminal record in no fewer than eight African countries? You’re totally a David. You were the inspiration for the last two Adele albums. You were born in 1994, but you peaked in 1973.

Victoria Lin

Choice Quote: “Refrigerator? I hardly know her!”

By day, you nurse puppies back to health at the local animal shelter. By night, you’re a crime-solving, butt-kicking detective with her own reality show on the E! network. One time Michael Cera called you pretty at a party, so you punched him squarely in the face.

Wayne Gretzky

Choice Quote: “Wait, where am I?”

You didn’t know Wayne Gretzky writes for the Arts board? That’s okay, because neither does he. But he’ll learn. You’re Wayne if you’re really good at hockey, everyone on the Arts board loves you, you have very poor security around your home, and you currently don’t know where you are.

Ha Le

Choice Quote: “Honey got me swishing like a dreadlock. She don’t wrestle, but I got her in a headlock.”

First of all, Ha is Pitbull. No, not the dog. Like, the rapper. You’re Ha/Pitbull if you’re from Miami, are best friends with Beyoncé, and have parents who forced you to put your burgeoning rap career on hold to pursue a biomedical engineering degree at Harvard. It’s okay. You’ll make it through.