The scene: An indistinguishable room in Kirkland in dim light. The camera pans to reveal a floor and tables littered with PBR cans, empty boxes of wine, and sleeping writers who simply cannot hang. The camera finds Alan R. Xie ’16, who sits staring dejectedly out of the window, wearing a bro tank.

ALAN: I've been drinking, I've been drinking.

POV shot of Alan’s phone screen. He is on Tinder and swipes right on every photo. A single teardrop falls onto the screen.

ALAN: I get filthy when that liquor get into me.

Cut to Natalie T. Chang ’15, who is seated on the Throne. She is holding a cigarette that appears to have gone out some time ago in one hand. She is staring at her other hand, which holds a can of PBR. She looks up at the camera.

NATALIE: I've been thinking, I've been thinking.

She looks back down at the can and squeezes it, crushing it.

NATALIE: Why can't I keep my fingers off it, baby? I want you, na na.

She raises the crushed can into the air. But then lowers her hand, defeated, and begins to gulp the PBR. This is the closest she’ll ever come to kicking any of her habits.

Cut to Jude D. Russo ’16. He is lying on his side atop a table, holding a copy of “Paradise Lost,” and looking down with scorn like a god at the cooler full of ice and beer below him.

JUDE: PBR on ice, PBR on ice. I sung of Chaos and Eternal Night,                                 Taught by the heav'nly Muse to venture down, The dark descent, and up to reascend.

The camera pans to David J. Kurlander ’17, who is sprawled on the floor. He opens a Snapchat from Adela and begins to take one in return, only to realize that someone has drawn a penis and the words “pastiche this” on his forehead in black Sharpie.

DAVID: We woke up in the Sanctum saying, "How the hell did this shit happen?"

Cut to Abby L. Noyes ’16. She is holding a baby but does not seem to know where it came from. It does bear a striking resemblance to—

ABBY: Oh, baby?