For John, a senior, self-injury started long before his college years.

He traced his history of depression back to the age of 9, when he first vocalized suicidal intentions.

“I was 11 when I started cutting myself,” John said. “I didn’t know the exact motivation for what I was doing—I just think I knew that I wanted to hurt myself because I was sad, because I felt bad about myself.”

In an attempt to keep his self-harm secret, John began to grow cautious, making sure not to leave marks.

Cutting and scratching, while the most visible forms of self-injury, are not the only methods. Some use burning, biting, and punching to inflict pain.

“I stopped injuring myself for quite some time,” John said. But by sophomore year of college he had started again.

“I never engaged in cutting again, but I would stab myself with pens, run my hands through overly hot water, bite my fingers—nothing that left permanent marks,” he added. “But even with the intent of calming myself, I actively caused myself pain as self-punishment for expressing low-self esteem.”

PEERING EYES

Self-harm, a largely solitary act, often takes place hidden away in dorm rooms and other private spaces.

Each of the three self-injurers had vastly different encounters with their peers at Harvard, though they agreed that the high-pressure environment can be unsettling.

“My experience here is that, independent of resources through Harvard, students themselves can be incredibly callous,” John said. “There is a tendency to view other people’s problems first through the lens of how they impact you.”

The three students agreed that, particularly at Harvard, there is an expectation that they project an air of perfection.

“There are people here who are very mentally unhealthy but have good grades and great jobs,” John said. “People react to you or think there is a problem only when you stop succeeding.”

Anna said that she has seen her peers talk about self-harm in two ways: either they say they could never understand doing it themselves but express sympathy for those who are hurting, or they act flabbergasted at the idea of self-harm.

“These other people have no clue about it,” she said. “And there is this underlying assumption that because we’re in Harvard, we’re high-achieving, well-adjusted individuals—so why would we do something this stupid or this dangerous?”