2b) We play for keeps.

I did a little snoopin’ on the Interwebz, and apparently, Harvard’s athletic tradition dates back to 1780, when “a group of sophomores issued a challenge to members of the freshman class for a wrestling match. Afterward, the winners [were] treated to dinner by the vanquished.”

Wow, did the winners get to sit down at the dinner table first, too? Oh boy! Sophomoric wrestling followed by dinner, what a legacy!

Meanwhile, some dude named Walter Camp, class of 1880, a.k.a. the “Father of American Football,” invented college football and helped Yale win 18 national titles. Dinner’s on you, Cantabs.

Yeah, Harvard sucks.

3) We have a real mascot.

We are the Yale Bulldogs. You are the Harvard Crimson. Our mascot is a Bulldog, Handsome Dan. Your mascot is…a color? Who thought up that great idea? Probably the same guy who thought it would be a great idea to name an Ivy League school after the color of biological waste. I’m lookin’ at you, Brown.

Before the 1908 Game, Harvard coach Percy “Michael Vick” Haughton strangled a bulldog to death in the locker room to motivate his players. Even if we were as much of a collective bloodthirsty murderer as you, how would we even go about vanquishing a color? We can’t invent the black and white TV again.

And Mr. Amor, I know what you and the rest of the Cantabs are saying: “But we do have a mascot! He’s the pilgrim, John Harvard!”

Yeah, Harvard definitely sucks.

—John Song is a junior in Yale’s Berkeley College. Contact him at john.song@yale.edu.