De-frosting in Dewolfe 
 

Unfortunately, I’m going to have to advise you to call the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line (1-800-288-8372), or read the New York Times food section—I’m not the expert on such matters.  However, I can tell you some helpful strategies to distract your dinner guests, should your pièce de résistance turn out dry, burnt, or otherwise inedible. 

First of all, make use of a strategy that desperate single men have known for decades: the power of alcohol.  That’s right, beer goggles aren’t just for making that brunette at the end of the bar look tasty; they work on food as well.  Drunk people will eat anything—how else do you think Felipe’s stays in business?  This is a particularly useful fact on Thanksgiving, when you’re showered with offers from courteous busybodies asking if they can “bring anything” for the meal.  Decline on Aunt Ethel’s candied yams and ask for a nice Merlot instead, and watch your friends and family stagger back and forth to the kitchen, picking the bones clean.   

Another distraction factor ubiquitous to the holidays can really help you dispose of all that extra poultry: television.  Studies show that people eat twice as much when they’re watching TV, because they don’t pay attention to what they’re eating.  Presto!  Turn on some holiday football or a movie marathon, and they’ll hardly notice they’re consuming underdone, salmonella-ridden breast meat.  Yum, yum, go team. 

You may be tempted to compensate for a poorly executed turkey with superb, gourmet side dishes, but trust me, resist this trap.  Your charred drumsticks will only look all the more pitiful next to homemade yeast rolls and stuffing with leeks and truffles—if anything, head in the opposite direction.  Make some stovetop stuffing from a box, leave the lumps in the mashed potatoes, and definitely don’t make your pie crust from scratch (in fact, use frozen pies for good measure).  If the rest of your meal is sub-par, an adequate to dry turkey will seem like an amazing feat, and your guests will be fooled into thinking your turkey is delicious. 

Finally, don’t forget to play defense on a minute level as well; distract your guests with the elegance of their place settings, your charm and wit, or simply plenty of gravy and cranberry sauce.  Humor goes a long way to smooth over culinary gaffes—remember that beef trifle Rachel made on Friends?  Hey, at least you didn’t do that, right?  If all else fails, consider just ordering a pizza next year.  No one wants to deal with five pounds of leftover turkey, anyway, and everybody knows that pizza’s just as good when it’s cold the next day. 

Happy cooking,

Sara