—Bewildered Buddy

This is an especially difficult—and common—predicament, and one that I have also had to contemplate during my time at Harvard. The friends that shared our days of Trapper Keepers and bad haircuts are irreplaceable, and so it can be hard to cope with the reality that their place in your life is changing.

The important thing to keep in mind is that friendships do tend to ebb and flow. This reality doesn’t mean that you should lose all your remaining hope in the human race and your belief that real friendships last forever. But rather than trying to capture high school relationships in a bubble, you will appreciate those friendships more if you acknowledge that they will change. It is inescapable that different people will grow in different directions. Friendships are inherently evolutionary.

Remember that no matter how much a friendship changes, the core that matters won’t disappear. This question particularly hits home for me. For a variety of reasons, I have only spoken with my best friend from high school a handful of times this year. But despite that, we still understand each other in a way that no one else would be able to. And whenever we do see each other, it doesn’t take long for that awkward lull to pass over.

Remember that sometimes it is healthy and natural for the dynamic of a friendship to change over the years. At the same time, I understand that it can be upsetting to lose touch with people that you care about, and so you should definitely discuss this with your friends, because they are most likely experiencing similar feelings.

If you sense, however, that you are putting forth loads of effort into a friendship and getting not much back, it can be frustrating. This does not mean that your friends do not care about you, however. Keep in mind that everyone copes with transitions to college differently; so, give people time and space while letting them know that you’re there for them.

Despite all this, I’m not suggesting that you should halt all efforts in maintaining past friendships, but instead to reassess what it means to have a long-term friendship. If it’s been difficult to “chill” with your friends in person or speak over the phone, maybe try a group e-mail list—which is sometimes an easier way to stay in touch.

It is unlikely you’ll have the same relationships you have now ten years down the line...so be realistic. Think about it: It would be boring for a relationship to be caught in a state of stagnation. Friendships will inevitably change, but this change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. And you’ll always have the Trapper Keepers.

Sincerely,

Nikki, sympathetically.

—”Dear Nikki” will run on Mondays. Send letters to DearNikki@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.