3. 50 Cent—Candy Shop

This is basically a porn short filmed by the production company that makes airline safety videos. Par for the course, 50 Cent continues his streak of rapping about stuff he likes, and the whole thing leaves me feeling a bit empty because “Magic Stick” was such a better song.

2. Eminem—Like Toy Soldiers

A weird choice for a single for every reason except the gorgeous chorus by Martika. The video is lackluster, like most of his other serious endeavors with the exception of “Mosh,” and the most interesting thing about it is the generic, two dimensional way he portrays the anonymous rappers going after him. In total, it’s paranoid, overly dramatic, and lyrically forceful—a song to rival “Stan,” perhaps, for most crossover potential. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

1. Lindsay Lohan—Over

These things always seem to end badly. One day, there will be a good number one, and we will celebrate together.

Keep it positive until next time, when Uncharted Waters will tackle the superstar tsunami Grammy tribute performance by U2 lead singer Bono, Stevie Wonder, Norah Jones, Alicia Keys, Velvet Revolver, Tim McGraw, and Brian Wilson (crazy!).

—Staff writer Leon Neyfakh can be reached at neyfakh@fas.harvard.edu.