3. Destiny’s Child – Soldier ft. T.I. and Lil Wayne

A reunited Destiny bond over their adoration for thugs and roughnecks. Head Child Beyonce’s main squeeze Jay-Z, meanwhile, is sitting fat back home wearing a button-down shirt, being 35, and heading up a multinational corporation. The bootylicious one’s tastes in men are falling behind the times, it seems.

2. Ciara ft. Missy Elliot – (1, 2 Step)

I was listening to the radio back in Chicago and the DJ said that he’d just seen the video on MTV for this song, and apparently Ciara got “hell of fat!” This is hilarious. She already looked really awkward in the first video, feeling all kinds of uncomfortable on account of Petey Pablo mad-dogging her by the trailer. With a belly she’ll probably fall in a corner and convulse. This song is a massive (haha!) disco departure from “Goodies,” and the Missy Elliot cameo is pretty inexplicable. I love it though! The shout-outs to producer “Jazzy Fizzle” are a nice gesture. That guy’s had a hard year.

1. Mario – Let Me Love You

This is a terrible ending to what’s really been an uncharacteristically good top ten. Since the charts won’t change much by the time I do this again, I figure we might do a TRL rundown, or if we’re feeling technical, it could be the iTunes top downloads chart. In the meantime, a moment of silence for R&B newcomer and Chingy protégé Houston, who, in a fit of suicidal despair, gouged out his left eye last Thursday with a knife. He has since partially recovered, rediscovered his faith, and reaffirmed his will to live. I like that, indeed.