The Lone Star Syndrome

Dartboard isn’t one to wantonly criticize her native state—it takes enough from everyone else without her having to pipe up all too often. But every now and again, her compatriots down in Texas do something so entirely inane and reprehensible that she can either get angry, or poke fun. Usually, it’s a bit of both. So when she heard that a group of disgruntled parents were disbanding Girl Scout troops (and boycotting their cookies) in Crawford, Texas—yes, home to President Bush’s beloved ranch—Dartboard only shook her head, and sighed. She could already hear her friends taunting: “Only in Texas.”

But, as Dartboard isn’t as quick to judge her old Lone Star State, she hoped that the Girl Scout organization—of which she was a loyal member for a good two years of her prepubescent life—had simply taken a turn for the worse since she’d grown up. After all, an organization claiming to be “dedicated solely to girls—all girls—where, in an accepting and nurturing environment, girls build character and skills for success in the real world,” couldn’t really be that righteous. It was clearly a façade for something seedier. Yet, Dartboard certainly couldn’t drudge up any memories more unsavory than forced exercises in character-building. So, what had become so wicked and depraved about Girl Scouts that had urged Brownie Troop 7087 to forsake its patch-laden sashes and split up? Dartboard didn’t know, but she was sure it was something twisted and warped.

Alas, as is often the case when Dartboard hopes that things aren’t as ridiculous as they appear, she was again let down. According to the Associated Press, an “anti-abortion group, Pro-Life Waco…ran ads on a Christian radio station urging people to boycott Girl Scout Cookies because of the ‘cozy relationship’ between the Girl Scouts and Planned Parenthood.’”

This “cozy relationship?” Were Girl Scouts being forced to attend a Planned Parenthood convention? Were they being indoctrinated with pro-abortion filth? Well, no. The “relationship” became apparent when the Girl Scout organization had their logo printed on pamphlets used by Planned Parenthood’s sex-education program—yet never made any monetary contributions. But for the outraged Texans, this was a heinous offense warranting the disbandment of several local troops.

The most nauseating idea was summed up by one mother of a local trooper: “You’re telling these girls to raise their fingers up to pledge to honor God and country, and yet you’re handing out materials saying homosexuality is OK.” As she read this, Dartboard sighed. This time, there’s no fighting her state’s deserved reputation. Dartboard can only hang her head in shame.

—MORGAN R. GRICE