Spending Away My Sorrows

Every November the shortening of the days brings bouts of seasonal depression to Harvard’s work-addled undergraduates. This year, doubtless, will be worse for Harvard’s mental health. The crushing defeat for the Democrats on Tuesday coupled with the depression-inducing move to daylight savings time-—which takes daylight away from college students regularly awake from 10:30 a.m. to 3 a.m.—will certainly take their toll on the Kremlin by the Charles.

My suggestion for curing democratic doldrums? Find a coping mechanism, and fast. For some of you, this means hasty marriages of convenience to Canadian citizens. I, for one, have found solace in excessive materialism—gorging on takeout, buying a DVD player, sitting on my bed while I read Fifteen Minutes, munching on a bag of day-old popcorn and listen to Mean Girls blaring in the background. Oh no she didn’t. Anyway, I figured it was healthier than my original plan—refreshing electoral-vote.com over and over again until Ohio turned blue/I passed out.

But whatever you choose to do, remember that we’re only stuck with Bush for the next four years. Then Mitt Romney becomes president!

—STEPHEN W. STROMBERG

Cashing In

It’s hard to make anything good of this result. We are facing another four years of reckless spending, pointless wars and fewer civil rights. The (evangelical) church and state are more than just a little closer. When the Iraq war came around, I felt a similar way and decided that the only way to respond was to try to makes some money from the actions of this administration. In hindsight, buying all those energy stocks was about the most I could make of the mess.

This time around, however, I can identify a new business opportunity—one that I’d seriously consider pursuing were I not leaving this country: an illegal abortion clinic and a stem cell line. Sure, I know nothing about biology, but if Timothy McVeigh can destroy a federal building I’m sure I can work out a way of inducing an abortion and harvesting some stem cells. There’s plenty of demand here—no doubt I wouldn’t have to go far to sell them in the biology labs—and with kids being told about abstinence and not condoms, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of handiwork for me and a rusty coat hanger.

Four more years. I’m so happy I’m moving to a country without elections: I’d much rather live with the delusion that the public is sensible and silenced than stupid.

—ALEX TURNBULL

The Odd Man Out

Mere hours after the election began, I found myself sitting in my Warren Court section listening to classmates gloat over early exit polls that incorrectly showed Sen. John F. Kerry, D-Mass., opening a sizeable early lead in key swing states. The conversation, dominated by a sect I have reason to believe are politically active Democrats, slowly shifted towards who had voted, at which point our TF, very matter of factly inquired as to whether anyone in the class had actually voted for President George W. Bush, which of course I had.

One member of the class raised his hand.

And it wasn’t me.

I’m not ashamed to have voted for Bush and hadn’t concealed that fact from anyone else. Though the political conversations I enter into outside the classroom with friends who know the real me are usually productive, I suppose I was simply discouraged by the manner in which they would all perceive me, then not give me a chance to explain. In my experience, that’s the way many Democrats are: judgmental and intolerant of those who hold an opposing view, branding them knee-jerk, bigoted or just plain stupid.

In short, they’re a lot like the Republican stereotypes they decry before launching into yet another diatribe. Never mind the fact that we’re not all gun-toting (I’m pro-gun control), death penalty loving (I’m against capital punishment), hicks from the South (I call NYC home). On them, those nuances are simply lost, so I sat quietly and waited for discussion on the readings to begin, when one final point shot out loud and clear, something to the effect of “You’ve got to love how Republicans try to hide on thefacebook by listing themselves as moderates.”