After a great deal of research, I have determined the three most important elements of Mexican culture:

1. Making out. Every park is filled with visibly amorous couples of all ages. I write this in an Internet cafe and the teenage clerks are necking loudly and enthusiastically.

2. Littering. There is a canyon I took a boat tour through the other day which is very famous—when the natives lost a battle to the Spanish, they threw themselves heroically off the 1,000-meter-high canyon walls into the river rather than surrender. Today, people who are finished with colas or snacks heroically throw their trash into the water.

3. Music. The music is generally accordion-based. The ballads last 1,000 minutes and are sung by men in big hats.

Some other important Mexican facts:

Cockroaches seen in hotel bathroom: 4.

Times I used bathroom in attempt to perform immersion cure of insane cockroach fear: 4.

Insane cockroach fear cured: No.

Times woken up during Sunday nap by firecrackers set off ritualistically in courtyard of hotel at 5 p.m.: 1.

Dreams during said nap about man-eating house cats: 1.

Dreams about attending concert featuring Britney Spears and Shaquille O’Neal: 1.

Translation of word “pasta” into English on menu: “Noddies.”

“Booty” in Spanish: Botín.

A typical moment: I walk into a hotel. Receptionist says, “------.” I say, “What?” She says “-----.” I say, “Huh?” She says, for the third time now, “Buenos días.” We are both embarassed.

Names I was called by a roving gang of young hoodlums at the Monte Alban archaelogical site: “Chino” (Chinaman), “Jew,” “Kike.”

Update: I think the male clerk in this Internet café just grabbed the female clerk’s ass. She is making some sort of squealing noise. I am going to get a better look.

Benjamin D. Mathis-Lilley ’03, a history and literature concentrator in Adams House, is associate magazine editor of The Crimson. This summmer, he is working for Let’s Go as a researcher-writer in the southern Mexican states of Oaxaca, Tabasco and Chiapas. Contrary to popular belief at Monte Alban, he is of mixed European descent and is neither Chinese nor Jewish.