Approximately 24 hours after surgery, I noticed that something was hanging down my throat, and that if I made an exaggerated hacking sound, it would flip into my mouth onto the back of my tongue, in clear view of whoever I could get to look in my mouth. I left the unidentified hanging object alone for another day, occasionally choking. But my drugged self began to worry that I would aspirate.

This said, I attempted to perform “surgery” in the bathroom mirror, with a flashlight and kitchen tongs. It became quickly apparent that the so-called hanging object was actually my uvula.

It also became apparent that uvulas aren’t big fans of kitchen tongs.

I called the doctor’s office about my uvula, but the not-so-bright nurse didn’t seem to understand:

“So you have a sore throat?”

“No, I’m choking on my uvula.”

“Sore throats are a very normal symptom of rhinoplasty.”

Nothing.

Days later, during my Super Stealth doctor’s appointment, I was told that uvulas are extremely sensitive, and that my long uvula was “accidentally suctioned” during surgery, and now “responding negatively” in post-op.

Translation: They mistakenly squeezed the hell out of my perfectly normal uvula, causing it to swell up and me to gag.

“Considering Rhinoplasty” definitely skipped this possibility.

Plastic surgeons must plan this stuff, because by this point, my looks were the least of my problems.

“The nose is like an appendage.” This was the not-so-bright nurse’s explanation for why, after eight weeks, I still have a swollen nose. “Just like your fingers or your feet, it swells at random, like when you eat salt or absorb sunlight or spend time in humidity.”

I was unaware that my appendages swell, but okay.

“The swelling should go down another 20 percent in the next few weeks, and then down another 20 percent over the next year.”