p.s. Jennifer Lopez had a nose job. For proof, look at the picture in

Studlien ’02 erupted into tears when HUPD showed her the aborted message. “He always loved Justin Timberlake,” she sobbed.

“The message makes complete sense. The point of the column was to mock its readers,” said Sugi V. Ganeshanathan ’02. “He explained it to me once when no one else was around. I should have tape recorded our conversation. The clues are in the progression of the column over the past two years—the way it’s grown from 500 words to 1500 words per week, the way he talks more about himself and his family than he does about pop culture, the way that everything is an ironic reference to his own persona. It’s all a big joke—the idea that in commenting on celebrities, he got carried away and convinced himself that he was a celebrity. And people believed him.”

When confronted with the Ganeshanathan Theory, as it’s now being called by HUPD detectives, Johnny Lee scoffed, “It’s theories like that which will let Gwyneth go free.”

Soman’s parents, currently on vacation in Las Vegas, could not be reached for comment. But they released this statement through their spokesperson: “As long as he keeps his grades up, doesn’t charge his overdue fines to our term bill, and comes home on vacations, we would prefer to remain out of the fray.”

It is quite clear, however, that after two years and 51 columns, In the (K)now is gone for good. There will be no replacement columnist, there will be no more bashing of Gwyneth Paltrow.

“God no,” said It Boy alum Chris L. Pierce ’02 when asked if he thought Crimson Arts would name a replacement columnist. “Not only was Soman quite clear that he wanted the column retired when he finished, but it’s about time they filled that space with something useful.”