The impact of the NFL’s new realignment plan for 2002 will be felt. In order to incorporate the Houston Texans into the AFC, eight divisions of four teams each will replace the current six divisions, five teams format.

With the first pick of the 2002 draft, Houston will select Colby Donaldson, the runner-up from Survivor: The Australian Outback. When Roy Firestone sits down with Donaldson after the draft, Colby will respond, “Thank God I’m a Texan.”

However, the Texans will be disappointed with Donaldson’s effort in the regular season when Colby celebrates after fumbling and fumes after scoring. After finishing the season 0-16, Colby will explain, “I thought the other teams deserved to win. I’m just thrilled for them and wish them the best in football and in life.”

In MLB action, watch for the surge of the Oakland A’s, the return of Mark McGwire, and the eventual downfall of the Minnesota Twins. Major League baseball is like an episode of Full House—no matter what happens in the beginning, the ending always turns out the same.

Despite the talk, Manny Ramirez will not hit .400, Albert Pujols will not hit 70 homeruns, Pedro Martinez will not get 30 wins, and the New York Yankees will win this year’s World Series after dealing worthless prospects for four free agent-to-be superstars at the trade deadline.

In golf, I predict that Tiger Woods will not win the U.S Open. I do warn you, however, that I am an idiot.

In tennis...well, no one will care.

Finally, in Harvard athletics, Neil Rose will quarterback the football team to its first Ivy League Championship in five seasons. Robbie Wright will kick the game-winning field goal with one second remaining against Yale. The Harvard victory will rejuvenate students’ faith in Harvard athletics, much to the delight of the new Athletic Director, Vince McMahon.

“I knew we’d win the Ivy League this year,” McMahon will say after the victory. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s football.”