5 p.m. It's dinner time! Would you like some gravy with your General Wong's Chicken?

6 p.m. Dorm Crew. Unlike Princeton, Harvard still requires you take out hefty student loans to finance this wonderful education you're experiencing, so grab that broom and start sweeping. While you're scrubbing your peers' toilets, take some time to observe your surroundings. Next, write a response paper titled, "Five Football Players in Three Rooms: The Creative Use of Space at Harvard."

8 p.m. Whew. It's time to take a break. Why don't you pop down to your single-sex club for sherry, a cigar and tipsy fresh-meat? Oh, sorry, you're not cool/rich/male enough (please circle appropriate adjective). Luckily there's a party going on in Leverett House. Better get going though--the proctor will shut it down in an hour.

9 p.m. Go back to your room and compulsively check your email. You won't get to sleep until 3 a.m., but by this time we think you have a pretty good idea of undergraduate life. Now, forget about it. You'll never have to think about it again. Go to sleep. Wake up Harvard's next president. Realize this was all just a dream, a horrible, horrible dream. Sigh with relief. Yawn. Stretch. Start calling donors.

Meredith B. Osborn '02 is a social studies concentrator in Leverett House. Her column appears on alternate Fridays.