EDGE: PENN. We can’t win ’em all.

6) MASCOT: Harvard’s “Crimson” moniker doesn’t immediately lend itself to an easy physical depiction, so we use a Pilgrim. Penn athletic contests feature a giant dancing Quaker. Ugh, I don’t want to get into a religious debate, so let’s call it a PUSH.

7) FAMOUS B-SCHOOL GRADS: Penn’s Wharton School gave a degree to Donald “The Don” Trump, and a separate one to his hairpiece. Of course, we’ve got President Bush. ’Nuff said.

EDGE: HARVARD.

8) THE OPPOSITE SEX: Whether you’re into guys or girls, the opposite sex at Harvard is intelligent, witty, generally attractive and assertive. At Penn, you look for dates at Villanova.

EDGE: HARVARD.

9) MAIN RIVALS: Harvard—Yale. Penn—Princeton. Sorry, but Yale sucks.

EDGE: PENN.

10) POP CULTURE: Harvard’s campus, along with Boston in general, has been the setting for “Good Will Hunting” along with popular television shows “Cheers” and “Ally McBeal.” I think they filmed “Boy Meets World” in Philadelphia.

EDGE: HARVARD.

11) PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION: Harvard students enjoy some of the finest, cheapeast public transportation in the country. The “T” makes travel fun and convenient. Compare that to SEPTA, Philly’s answer to a question no one asked. The subway is so bad that even the homeless don’t hang out there.

EDGE: HARVARD.

12) CAMPUS NEWSPAPER: Duh.

EDGE: HARVARD.

So now that I’ve given you this handy frame of reference for poking fun at the scores of Penn students sure to beset the campus on Saturday, you’re fully prepared, right?

Wrong.

One last word of warning: the chants normally reserved for the Game, such as “safety school” or “Yale sucks” just won’t cut it for the big game this weekend. You’re going to have to add jibes at the Penn players themselves, i.e. saying quarterback Gavin Hoffman’s first name in a slow, taunting manner (“Gaaaa-viiiin, Gaaaa-viiiin”).

And if you can figure out an encouraging chant that somehow incorporates the name of Harvard linebacker Dante Balestracci, more power to you.

This is probably going to be one of the best football games you’ll ever see here. I’m giddy. But I guess the whole point of this column was to point out that in what matters, the edge goes to Harvard.