I wish I could say one thing made a difference and restored my hope in humanity and in my ability to better it, but I cannot. However, the same things that had been the sources of my consternation brought me some relief in recent days.

Douglas R. Hofstadter wrote an essay about ants as a metaphor for how the brain works. Each individual neuron, or ant, has no understanding why it does what it does. It just fires every so often, or searches for food when it is hungry. But looking at this level makes it impossible to see the complexity at the higher level. Ant colonies move, grow and make decisions unfathomable to the individual ant much as our minds have a consciousness way beyond the power or influence of any one neuron. Our society is similar; much happens at a higher level that is independent of each one of us. Maybe I don't have to be president (or at least not wait until I am); maybe I can make a difference as a part of something bigger.

This thought encouraged me as I stood feeling useless at a rally for the ten Iranian Jews convicted for spying. I at first felt frustrated that even though the rally leaders spoke in support for all that President Clinton and his administration has done on behalf of these innocent men, yet they are still going to prison. But I began to recognize the impact of each person as a part of a larger group, of people across the country supporting a cause.

Hearing Ralph Nader speak was also amazingly motivating. Finally, a politician who cares about the poor, who wants to use American's wealth to help its people rather than to get richer, I thought. A vote for him could perhaps pave the way to real change in government.

At first, I though these little actions were futile; I could not believe that my small contributions--standing at a rally, voting for a third party candidate--would bring world peace. But some thinkers have encouraged me that those actions are the only way to start.

"It is not by going out for a demonstration against nuclear missiles that we can bring about peace," writes Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master. "It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace."

Hanh teaches that awareness of life and love for others are the way--and the only one--to bring peace to the world. He tries to smile at every person and to see the good even in what seems bad. It is difficult to believe that smiling at all people will make politicians less corrupt or that paying attention to my breath will stop the shootings in the inner city. But receding into my bedroom and rejecting my ability to make a difference cannot do anything at all. And as I explore philosophy and history, I find that many voices, not just Buddhism, teach the same lesson.