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Dear Dr. Know

Anyway! Lewis explained to Dr. K why he loves the all-silk academic gown he wears at Commencement. For one thing, his wife gave it him. So cute! And fashion-wise, he's nutso about the fabric. (It's so light and airy!) Lewis has been doing this gig for a number of years now so he knows that the synthetic rental stuff is crap--it's too damn hot. But he didn't use that language. Anyway, thanks for the tips, Dean Lewis!

In search of fancy finery, Dr. K called the Coop's cap and gown department. And guess what? No silk for sale, only poly.

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Faced with a fashion mission, Dr. Know took a day trip to Chicago where she visited the headquarters of the E.R. Moore company, the gurus of "academic regalia and choir robes." The bad news: Silk costumes require a special order and, baby, we ain't got the time for that. Good thing Dr. K managed to uncover some sexy looks. She found gems in the "pulpit" and "baptismal" collections. But if you're going to try to bust out with the holier-than-thou aesthetic, Dr. K recommends accessorizing with some slutty blue eye shadow. And maybe some white platform sandals. But Vanilla Val, sweetie, you need something a little more hyper-sexualized. Dr. K recommends reinventing the robe. She is thinking: skin-tight robing. E.R. Moore has a new Kindergarten line called "Firstev'r"--it's regalia for small children (...don't ask). Invest in an extra-small kiddie gown--they're cheap!--and, technically speaking, you'll be appropriately regaled but you'll be getting lusty looks because you're in a super-trashy, teeny-tiny dress. So just dial up Dr. Know's pals at E.R. Moore (800-323-4351), because this year it's definitely all about the crack-ho look at Commencement.

Vanilla Val, Dr. K says: Change out of those poopy-pants and get on the horn. And, for goodness sake girl, go commando--leave those skivvies in the dorm room. Heck, you're graduating!

Big hug and see you there!

Dr. Know is an advice columnist who used to write regularly for the Crimson's weekly magazine, Fifteen Minutes. At Commencement, Dr. K will be wearing a faux-straw sun hat made of lavender-colored plastic.

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