Said Secretary of Commerce Bill Gates, "Under this Republican administration, the free market has flourished; we've come a long way since the days of Democratic antitrust witch hunts." The Dow Jones industrial average is expected to hit a record high of 30,000 within the next month. Investors were particularly exuberant this week after the announcement that the bug in Windows 2004, in which the newly-functional Internet refrigerator plug-in caused widespread failures during Fourth of July weekend last year, will be fixed in the new version.

In the area of crime prevention, Bush emphasized two major successes of his administration: The passage of the National Concealed Weapons Authorization Act of 2001, and the successful implementation of its pledge to conduct 1,000 federal executions in its first 1,000 days. "The right to carry concealed handguns is now ensured for all Americans, thanks to the efforts of this administration," said Attorney General Charlton Heston.

Bush did not mention what many consider the most high-profile failure of his administration, in the area of foreign policy. At the administration's first state dinner, the President mistakenly referred to the President of Turkey as the "Shah of Turkmenistan," and the people of the country as "Turkeys." The resultant diplomatic repercussions resulted in the State Dinner Conflict of 2002, which ended with an official apology and the resignation of the Secretary of State.

Bush will return to the White House next Monday, after a week spent recreating with "First Dad" George Bush Sr. On Tuesday, he plans to inaugurate the newly-completed White House shooting range, on the site of the former jogging track.

Noelle Eckley '00 is an environmental sciences and public policy concentrator in Dunster House. This is her final column.