Another modification I would make to golf is to add a defensive element. Competition is a decidedly American value, and the problem with golf is that golfers pride themselves in "competing against the course." Well, frankly, competition against inanimate objects has never attracted a good television audience (note: see the San Francisco-San Diego Super Bowl for reference).

We Americans love to see the drama of head-to-head combat. To satisfy that urge, I advocate having golfers play in teams of three or four with one team trying to get the Titleist in the hole while the other team waits around the green, clubs in hand, to deny such an outcome. Just think of the added dimension of strategy such a change would add (Will Woods' team play Duval's team zone or man?).

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, is the need to instill the American ideal of equality in golf. With Tiger's rise to prominence, many golfers and television viewers feel as if there is an uneven playing field with such strong players as Woods. To address that legitimate concern and level the playing field, I propose golfers be allowed (and encouraged) to use mind and body altering substances.

A good friend of mine at Bucknell University tells me that his rounds of golf always remain evenly-matched down the stretch because "whoever wins the hole takes a shot of Tequila." Such a policy would be most useful (if not simply entertaining) in the PGA to ensure good players like Tiger don't get away with too large a lead.

Furthermore, players in the Senior PGA would greatly benefit from body-altering substances. One complaint from elderly golfers is that they've lost their distance off the tee. What better solution than Mark McGwire's home-run-inducing creatine. With a little muscle candy, Trevino and Palmer will be back to jacking balls well past the 300-yard mark in no time.

And even if something goes wrong, extensive substance use would prove very entertaining and ratings-friendly. Just imagine how many people would tune in to watch Chi Chi Rodriguez' famous sword dance if there were a chance he would succumb to 'roid rage and attack his caddy after sinking the putt. Hasn't FOX made a ratings killing off shows with similar premises?

Essentially, my point in all of this is to make the great game of golf more viewer-friendly and spread its endearing qualities to a new generation of Americans. Golf, though, needs to undergo some changes to ensure its survival in a changing world; as Gary Coleman once told us, "it takes different strokes for different folks."

In light of this powerful wisdom from a pint-sized pop icon, the answer is simple. Golf needs to start stroking the American people better than it has in the past. Or else, one day the sport of golf will discover that Americans have responded to its unchanging ambivalence with "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?" and changed the channel in favor of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" or "Walker, Texas Ranger."