Here in Massachusetts, the voters of St. Augustine's Cemetery in South Boston can make or break an election. Stories about these voters, legends in the history of Boston politics since the days of Mayor James Michael Curley, are staples of Irish-American political lore. Such tales are brought up every year at South Boston's annual St. Patrick's Day breakfast, where Boston pols get together at the local union hall, eat corned beef and cabbage and roast each other in an equal-opportunity political slugfest.

The dearly departed Democrats of St. Augustine's, however, have unfortunately been a bit out of touch with current events as of late. Rumor has it that they've been busy rolling over ever since Tom Menino was elected mayor of Boston. The upcoming presidential election has them in a bit over their heads (about six feet). For whom might these souls arise to vote come November?

The need to court the Irish-American vote has not escaped those running for office this year. Vice President Al Gore '69 and Texas Gov. George W. Bush have reportedly been planning their St. Patrick's Day advertising blitzes for weeks. Here's what such an exchange might have sounded like:

It all started several weeks ago, when Gore issued a press release detailing his plans for celebrating the holiday: "I cosponsored the bill that made corned beef and cabbage a St. Patrick's day feast," said Gore's statement. "I'm responsible for the beginning of this rich tradition."

Not to be outdone, the Bush campaign issued the following reply from the governor of Texas: "The Prime Minister of Ireland is Bertie Ahern. And I didn't even have to look that up. So there."

Warning shots fired, the press release war began to heat up. Al Gore shot off a notice trumpeting the endorsement of Ted Kennedy, and anointing himself the bearer of the passed torch. Said Bush in response: "I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was…oh, never mind." The Gore campaign has repeatedly denied responsibility for the appearance of signs reading "Whitey says vote for Al," a reference to Whitey Bulger, the South Boston fugitive on the FBI's most wanted list.

Ever since the Bob Jones University debacle, Bush advisers have been nervous about the Catholic vote. Bush saw an opportunity, though, to make up for his past mistakes. This year, St. Patrick's Day falls on a Friday during Lent, when Catholics are not allowed to eat meat. The traditional corned beef and cabbage dinner was in jeopardy. Upon hearing that the archdioceses of Boston and Fall River have given special dispensation to their parishioners to partake in the day's feast, Bush pledged to secure a papal blessing for all American Catholics to eat their corned beef this Friday. The Pope was unavailable for comment on this proposal. In response, Al Gore had this to say: "Though I am not Catholic, as a United States Senator I played a critical role in establishing the Lenten dietary guidelines of the church."

This sort of exchange was bound to go negative. Leaked footage of a proposed Bush campaign ad, obtained from a secret source, shows the first round of attack. Every year, in a peculiar tradition, the city of Chicago dyes its river bright green in commemoration of St. Patrick's Day. The text of Bush's ad, superimposed on footage of this event, proclaimed, "A great Chicago tradition. But under a Gore administration, the federal bureaucrats would ruin the fun in the name of the 'environment.' Vote Bush in November."