The man "has plans for the IRS building--he wants to demolish it, and sell off the rubble as souvenirs to pay down the national debt." After all, Browne says with a smile, the "U.S. government collects enough money from tariffs and excise taxes to fund all [its] constitutional functions." A little out there, perhaps, but the populist message and obvious willingness to take the high road on the issue distinguishes Browne as a sort of lone ranger and a definite Washington outsider. Or consider the sensationalist appeal of the infamous "meatball" spot for Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan. The advertisement begins with a portly man eating spaghetti and meatballs in front of his television. When the anchor breaks the news that English is no longer the nation's official language, the man chokes on his meatball in shock.

Unable to breathe, he attempts to call for help and is confronted with the a perky voice recording system that advises "Thank you for dialing 9-1-1. Please listen for your language. For Spanish, press one. For Korean, press two. For..." As he falls to the ground in agony, a voice-over queries: "Do you ever miss English? Immigration is out of control!"

The idea (I suppose) is to vote for Buchanan because he puts (English-speaking, Bible-thumping, white male) Americans first. Brutal? Definitely. Outrageous? Sure. But at least there's no confusion about what's going on here. And there's a sense of honesty that's alarmingly refreshing.

But the prize for "best packaging of a candidate" must be awarded to Ralph Nader (Gore supporters, get out the voodoo dolls), whose huge success (comparatively speaking) can undoubtedly be ascribed to his ability to tap into the aggregate pre-existing consumer consciousness by mimicking ads from Mastercard and Monster.com. The former has a tagline that includes "Campaign ads filled with half-truths: $10 million. Finding out the truth: priceless"; the latter shows a succession of adorable children proclaiming: "When I grow up, I want the government to have the same problems it has today. I want to vote for the lesser of two evils." This simple but brilliant idea to co-opt two of the most ingenious ads of the last few years really showed Nader to be a hip guy with a sense of humor while dishing out well-directed and well-deserved criticism of the two major-party candidates.

Unfortunately, none of the third-party candidates had enough seed money to ensure that the populace at large viewed their ads. The result? Money wasted on ineffective advertising by major-party candidates: ten million dollars. Having the Presidency hinge upon a chad: priceless.

Alixandra E. Smith '02 is a government concentrator in Kirkland House. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.