Obviously, there is only one solution left. It is the only fair way to decide the next president. It is chock-full of traditional American values. Tomorrow is the annual Harvard-Yale football game. Spectators and alumni from across the country will travel to watch it. Gore went to Harvard. Bush went to Yale. A coincidence? I think not.
We are left with no choice. Quite definitively, this is the only clear way to assign the Presidency. We'll get the game aired on national television, and every eye in the country will be trained on Harvard's fair football field. We'll wave campaign banners in the stands and open a presidential seating section. This is it, folks. The moment you've all been waiting for. Tomorrow afternoon, amidst a raucous crowd donned in Harvard and Yale gear, the next president will be decided. So play on--and may the best school win.
--Katherine M. Johnston