Scandal! Check out this link! Scandal!

HTTP://WWW.GEOCITIES.COM/DEATH_TO_CHRISTINA/PISS.HTM

WHAT A TROLL WANTS

In between thesis research, Ec 10 problem sets, and job hunting, I, Somy Holmes, have been doing some detective work on the side. It all started when a blockmate randomly asked at dinner, "What ever happened to Trolls?" Since then, I've been curious as to what exactly happened to the Troll toys - you know, those goofy-looking little creatures with scrunched up noses, fiery flourescent hair and jewels in their bellies. Trolls used to have a corner on every kid's shelf; there were troll couples, troll cities, football trolls, ballerina trolls, Christmas trolls, trolls on wheels, etc. And though Trolls haven't been a trend-o-rama since the 70s, they suddenly disappeared entirely from children's toy chests about four years ago. (Eerie music starts playing in the background, the lights dim.) Something happened to the Trolls. I was determined to find out the answer.

I went to Ec 10 section the next morning and - wait, before I go on, let me explain lest you think I'm lame. Yes, yes, I'm a senior taking Ec 10 and it's quite a travesty, but I'm an English major, remember? Nobody will hire me until I prove that I can add. (Unless Hollywood calls me to be a star, but I have a strange feeling that Gwyneth Paltrow blacklisted me.) In any case, I sit in Ec 10 surrounded by fresh-faced first-years and my TF leads us through the exciting world of supply and demand. Curves, graphs, up, down, price, quantity - it all sounded like a bunch of theoretical mush, but I paid attention since God knows I didn't want to have to learn it all over again the night before the midterm.

Later that night, I sat in my room, surfing the net when I stumbled upon a picture that made me yelp. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present exhibit A: a photo of Christina Aguilera. Now look carefully at this image of the sultry Christina on your left. Do you see it? Those googly eyes, that fiery flourescent hair, the jewels in her belly? Aha! I put two and two together and quickly drew a supply and demand curve:

The Mystery of the Disappearing Trolls is a mystery no more. Where did all the gnomes go? It's simple - supply of Christina Aguilera goes up, demand for trolls goes down. They're perfect substitutes, as Feldstein would say. How's that for a little detective work. Kiss my ass, Encyclopedia Brown.

SENIOR SLIMEBALLS

I'm sooo about to lose my temper. If I get ONE more "Re: Class Marshal" E-mail, I'm going to hold a sit-in protest (we can hold it in the Discovery Channel Store! That way we can play with the Moon Muck, Dinosaur Excavation sets, and the Spell Charming kits!). Every time I open my e-mail box, I get another annoying, sleazy "vote for me" request. For example,

From: Sketchy Greaseball

To: schainan@fas.harvard.edu

Subject: Coffee and Class Marshal

Hi Soman! Love the column, baby! Let's go for coffee sometime! I'm really busy this week, but maybe next week or the month after. Oh and don't forget to vote for me for Class Marshal!

From: Schmuck Face

To: schainan@fas.harvard.edu

Subject: THE MOST IMPORTANT E-MAIL IN THE WHOLE WORLD

Please help me make my dreams come true, Soman. I really want to be Class Marshal more than anything in the whole world. Your one vote will help me be fulfilled. Please, please, make my greatest dream become a reality. Cast a vote for me and we can celebrate together.

All you seniors know exactly what I'm talking about. Aren't you pissed? You should be. This mad lib will make that subconscious anger rise to the surface. If you come up with particularly good entries on this example, send it to me and I'll print it next week.

From: No Life Boy

To: Every Senior Class Member

Subject: Making Memories Dear [proper name],

Remember that time freshman year when we had so much fun at [past event that you won't remember and therefore can't dispute]? I still think about you all the time and can't wait for us to sit down over [meal time] and talk about [noun]. [Interjection]! Time flies by so [adverb]. But now, it's time for us to move on to bigger and [superfluous adjective] things. I'm writing not only to find out how you're doing but also to let you know that I'm running for Class Marshal! Isn't that [self-deprecating adjective]? I just wanted to tell you how [adverb] I need your vote and how much it would mean to me. We're such [adjective] friends and I know you'll [verb] me. And [interjection]! We have to get together soon! I'm busy for the next [time period] but I'll get back to you on when is good for me. We have so much [noun] to talk about! I'm so [adjective] to be one of your best friends. And don't forget, vote for me! [Candidate Name]

SOMAN'S SHORTS

Crimson Arts is starting to heat up just as the weather is about to cool down. Look for some spectacular interviews in the next couple of weeks... Uggh. Can either Bush or Gore pleeeeaassseee do something scandalous? This whole campaign has been a journalist's worst nightmare. Where's the fireworks? Warren Beatty totally should have run. Speaking of Hollywood and politics, Tinseltown seems completely flummoxed as to handle the election. Normally, they all vote Democrat but Gore and Lieberman killed that trend with their talk of "cultural pollution." Now Susan Sarandon's got the whole town talking Nader... Walking through the Yard and around Harvard Square, it seems that the number of Harvard boys wearing

Abercrombie and Nautica has skyrocketed. Verrrry interesting... I saw Almost Famous last week and got further confirmation that Cameron Crowe is one of the most consistent Hollywood directors. If you look at Say Anything, Singles, Jerry Maguire, and now Almost Famous, you'll see his ability to set up a cliche and then obliterate it. His comedy depends on lulling you into a comfort zone and then yanking you out of it. And it doesn't hurt that Kate Hudson has Goldie Hawn's sexual energy... My favorite newspaper headline in the past week: "Prince William in Chile, Sleeping in Tent"... Ok, so I really need help with my Ec 10 problem sets. Any freshmen want to help a poor old senior? You provide the graphs, I'll tell you how to beat the housing lottery... I've been asked at least 5000 times this week, "Well, What _Would_ Harry Potter Do?" Isn't the answer obvious? He'd tell Draco Malfoy that spikey blond hair was soooo 1995.

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