FILM

And I thought we were doomed! Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the tag line for Head and Shoulders shampoo in the United States is, "Life never gives you a second chance to make a first impression." But the tag line for Head and Shoulders shampoo in India is just, "Life never gives you a second chance."

SKINEMA!

In this day and age, magazine editors, lighting directors, cinematographers, etc. aren't going for the natural look. If a star has a zit, scar, mole or other unsightly "blemish," the powers that be are gonna zap it; after all, computer technology can easily give a star a glowing tan and lustrous, poreless complexion. (Which brings me to an earth-shattering question. Who orchestrated Nicole Kidman's makeover? Check out 1989's Dead Calm and you'll see a completely different Mrs. Cruise. She looks fat, frumpy! She's got loads of freckles! Her hair is nappy! Now Nicole is deathly pale, skinnier than Calista Flockhart, and there's never a freckle in sight. )

It's hard watching movies and flipping through magazines without asking incredulously--how can these stars look like that all the freaking time? How can these humans (presumably) never have a pimple? Some very bored Internet junkie has taken upon himself the responsibility of exposing (literally!) Hollywood with www.skinema.com, a new website that's all the rage. Revealing an unhealthy obsession with dermatology, the site collects candid photos and close-up pictures of major actors and actresses, putting all their hidden skin conditions under a take-no-prisoners microscope.

You'll see that Vanessa L. Williams, Samuel L. Jackson and Brad Pitt all suffer from adult acne. Even more encouraging, Elizabeth Hurley has some acne scars too. Angelina Jolie has a nice big scar in the middle of her neck, Angela Bassett suffers from a balding condition, Val Kilmer has a distended sac on his elbow, Leonardo DiCaprio suffers from pimple outbreaks regularly, Britney Spears had a mondo cyst underneath her lip during the cover shoot for "Baby One More Time," Marky Mark's got a third nipple, Liv Tyler and Jennifer Love Hewitt both have chicken pox scars, the list just keeps going. Need a reading period self-esteem booster? Check it out for another lesson in showbiz magic.

BORN TO MAKE MEN HAPPY

I tried to defend our pop scene to my 17 year-old cousin in India. But she started to wear me down. "It's not that bad. We've got a few good songs here and there," I argued. "Yeah, but the videos that are on your countdowns are filled with a bunch of whores." "Huh?" "We get the U.S. Total Request Live every week and you never vote for the good videos. Actually, the videos you choose degrade women. And you call yourself the leaders of the industrial world...." And now that I think about it, I have to concur:

Exhibit A: "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain

Ok, so the song itself tries to assert her "woman in me" mantra and it's not too bad. But a girl wearing a leopard print coat and hood in the desert? What was she thinking? The video's plot's pretty simple: Shania looks hot (I mean literally--she's gotta be overheated in that animal skin), she rejects like five different hitchhikers for no apparent reason (including a white boy who looks uncomfortable in his sheik outfit), and she ends the video without a ride, lonely and overdressed in the desert. The lyrics of the song wax poetic about needing a man who isn't just about his looks; he's gotta be able "to keep her warm in the middle of the night." But how exactly is she evaluating these hitchhikers? On their looks, right? She doesn't exactly speak to them. She just takes a quick glance, evaluates their hair, and then shakes her head and walks off in her annoying catsuit. (But to prove she can make it on her own, there's an interlude of her turning a giant wheel on an irrigation pipe. Shania, you're the bomb.)

Exhibit B: "Born to Make You Happy" by Britney Spears

Little girls love to say that Britney Spears is "omigod, like the coolest role model." The song and video, "Born to Make You Happy," will shut those little girls up. Literally! The message of the song is: shut up and wait for your man because you were "born to make him happy." The video has Britney Spears pining after a guy who doesn't really like her, but she's convinced that he's the only one for her: "I'd do anything, I'd give you my world/I'd wait forever, to be your girl/Just call my name and I'll be there/ Just to show you how much I care." In the end, Britney gets her man and true to form, "makes him happy."

Exhibit C: "What a Girl Wants" by Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera wants to be the nasty Britney Spears. She desperately wants to be objectified. "I have breast implants! I have breast implants!" she seems to scream, but no one really listens. And so she's decided to take it up a notch. "What a Girl Wants" shouldn't be an offensive song. The chorus actually reads: "What a girl wants, what a girl needs/Whatever makes me happy and sets you free... Whatever keeps me in your arms/I wanna thank you for giving me time to breathe." There's some complexity there, right? (Bear with me. Just pretend there's some complexity.) But the video seems to be playing to a whole new set of lyrics. The plot? Christina and her posse strut into a room full of drooling guys, one of which is presumably her boyfriend. I say that he might be her boyfriend because when she walks in, one of his friends says, "Hey, your girl is here." In any case, Christina rejects his come-ons, giving the impression that she won't be "his girl" until he knows all about "what a girl wants." Turns out I was expecting too much. Once the video gets going, it's very clear what a girl really "wants" and "needs." An orgy. Yup, by the end of the video, the girls are lapdancing for the boys, Christina is all over the guy who doesn't even know her name, and everyone's happy to get their groove on. And she tried to claim that "Genie in a Bottle" was a song about girl-power.

SOMAN'S SHORTS

Let us all have a moment of silence for Celine Dion who thankfully retired on Jan. 1, 2000.... Here's a rumor for you: Madonna, never very good at being subtle, wins coolness points for her antics on New Years Eve. At a party at Donatella Versace's in Miami, she and pal Gwyneth Paltrow were enjoying dinner when Jennifer Lopez and her posse decided to crash the festivities. Madonna, who's been dissed by Lopez in magazines, reportedly stood up and said "Dinner's over." And the dinner guests dispersed, leaving little Miss Puffy all by herself...I saw The End of the Affair last night and I'm convinced that Julianne Moore is one of the great actresses of our time and nobody seems to notice. She gives amazing performances consistently and still, no respect. Her time will come, I hope. (But it has to make you wonder, why is Ashley Judd famous? She's an awful actress)...Sharon Stone is getting butchered by the press after it was revealed that she's been bribing the Hollywood Foreign Press all these years with little gifts, designed to sucker them into giving her Golden Globe nominations. So that explains why she got nominated for The Muse and The Mighty... We'll take a two week break and come back on February 4 with a spring spectacular--interviews with Carson Daly, Julie Taymor, and, of course, the latest, greatest buzz...(Someone asked me the other day: "If you [k]now so much, why aren't you rich?")

Questions, Comments, Money to Make Me Rich? E-mail schainan@fas