Kappa, Illinois. The only two commercial establishments in this small town of 150 people are two exotic dance clubs, the Kappa Cabana and Teesers. Teesers opened first but ever since the Cabana started proffering lap dances of its own this past July, the two establishments have been locked in furious competition. There have been lawsuits, appeals to the city council and a healthy exchange of fighting words between the warring owners and dancers. It may be time for a man of God like Reverend Jackson to step-in and restore peace to this small community.

The field of quantum physics. Is light a wave or a particle? What precisely is dark matter? Can we really be sure that the universe is expanding? Could we intentionally open a worm hole? For years socially maladjusted, brilliant men and women have been furiously debating questions like these. The academic community has been wracked with strife for long enough. Jackson should read "A Brief History of Time," think about it for a few hours and pronounce the answers to these questions once and for all.

Finally, Jackson ought to make a guest appearance on the WWF's "Monday Night Raw." The animosity between star wrestler Steve Austin and owner Vince McMahon threatens to tear the league apart. The arbitration of a great leader is sorely needed and I can think of no better candidate to touch the hearts of these battling titans than the Reverend.

Those who believe my suggestions insult Jackson's exalted public status misunderstand my intent. I only want to see him continue to make good use of his talents. Besides, he has an essential social purpose to serve. Reflecting on the Reverend's intervention in the Kosovo quagmire, George Will astutely observed, "No modern farce is complete without a cameo appearance by Jesse Jackson."

Noah Oppenheim '00 is a social studies concentrator in Adams House. His column will resume in September.