I was sitting in my Cold War Historical Studies lecture. It was my first day in class, and I was bleary-eyed and scruffy-tailed after three years of the stupid Core.

My roommate, who spent a semester in Spain, was not granted Foreign Cultures credit. (More on the Core at a later date, those bastards!)

I had heard great things about this Cold War class and was into it. Then I heard the sound of plastic ruffling to my right. "That's cool," I thought. "Someone's brought a snack. How efficient."

I wished I had brought a snack. I especially am fond of those Entenmann's Pop'ems you can get at Store 24 anytime, except that one hour when they actually close. What a scam! (More on the insidious lie that is capitalism later.)

In any case, upon looking to my right, I saw a woman whip out an entire pepperoni sausage. This was not cool. No really. It was disgusting.

I'm not talking beef jerky here, folks. I mean this was some ol' Wursthaus Oktoberfest Flintstone caveman sausage. But that's not all.

The way she ate it made things worse: open-mouthed chewing with putrid sausage juice running down her face.

Sorry Sausage Lady, but you gots to go! Sloppily consuming smelly flesh in lecture is behavior unbecoming a Harvard student. Take a year off, and get some home training!