TREND-O-RAMA: READING IN THE [K]NOW

Gwyneth Paltrow reads my column. You laugh. You mock. But I [k]now she sends one of her 15,000 lackeys to pick up a copy of Crimson Arts every Friday. A few weeks ago, if you recall, I proclaimed that Gwyneth Paltrow is a fraud--an entire waste of space on our magazine racks. So Gwyneth, having read my words and realizing the trendiness of Gwyneth-bashing, gave the following speech at a Women in Hollywood awards luncheon this past week: "I mean is anybody else sick of fucking Gwyneth Paltrow? Everywhere you look you see her. She's in the tabloids, the video stores, fashion magazines. I mean she seems nice enough. But I mean, come on! Am I the only one who saw Hush! As far as I'm concerned, that girl needs a hamburger and a vacation. I half expected her to walk in with Harvey Weinstein holding her train. Thank God I already ate. And then I remembered I am Gwyneth Paltrow." And a bit later in the presentation, she confirmed my fears about her boy-mongering: "I would like to thank a friend who shall remain nameless who told me never to sleep with a co-star--at least until after the picture had finished. I've obviously had a little trouble with that one."

So let's review--do I think Gwyneth Paltrow is a terrible, immoral person? No, not really. Do I still think she's the devil? Absolutely.

Questions, Complaints? E-mail schainan@fas

Why is 160 minutes such a popular length for all the upcoming Holiday Oscar contenders? The Insider ran 160 minutes, and so do Anna and the King, The Hurricane, and The Talented Mr. Ripley? Why don't these studio heads realize how ridiculously long 2 hrs and 40 minutes is for a movie that isn't about a sinking boat? In order to see these four films (all presumably good ones), you'll have to spend almost 12 hours in a movie theater over Christmas break. But if you want to watch Toy Story 2 four times - a movie that no doubt is better than any of those will be - it'll take you a curt six hours... Speaking of Toy Story 2, I'm still raving about it. The first Toy Story racked in $225 million and launched computer animation as a viable film medium - but more significantly gave us an engaging storyline (like Aladdin, it appealed to kids, teens, and adults - it raked in virtually the exact same gross). But the sequel - which grossed $81 million over Thanksgiving! - is even better. The animation is better, the story is self-consciously perfect, and Barbie makes a much needed cameo. But the real question is whether Pixar - which has made three incredible movies so far - is going to split from Disney which takes much of its profits in the form of market cost recoupment. If Pixar goes independent, what happens to the Disney loyal fan base? Stay tuned. We'll have a full report for you coming soon... Pick up the new Women in Hollywood special Premiere Magazine issue. It has some fascinating interviews with the best female actresses in the business and a compelling biography of Maria Schneider, the infamous French actress whose career self-destructed with Last Tango in Paris And what wins my award for worst movie of the year? Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. But I haven't seen it yet.