Everybody's talking about Spring Break Irony. After all, the jet-set kiddies who checked out of school extra early and rocketed toward the global waistline ended up with gastrointestinal trouble, mysterious influenza, rainy weather and lousy tans. Meanwhile, the Harvard-bound kicked back with giardia-free lattes and basted themselves under balmy skies.

At Fifteen Minutes, we threw open the windows in our office, let a cool breeze tossel our great haircuts and listened to the phone ring with Spring Break reports and juicy gossip from all over the globe.

The New York and London scenes take first place for Spring Break excitement this year.

The report from NYC: the city was crawling with Harvard peeps--from the Bill Viola exhibit at the Whitney, to the Metropolitan Opera, to downtown shopping Meccas. The NYC cook kidz, clad in de rigeur black, chattered at downtown hot spot Moomba, overhearing cell phone conversation about West Coast casting, Oscar gossip and the upcoming Seventh on Sixth fashion shows in Bryant Park. As ever, the eight dollar martini called for "drinks at the bar with my American Express," as Wyclef puts it.

Across the pond, in London, the Atlantic Bar and Grille played host to Harvard globe-trotters. One source told FM that some intellectually curious Harvard folks turned down an exclusive party for the Elgin Marbles. (We dig.) Freshmen, juniors and seniors rubbed elbows in Harrod's and traded stories in the Tube. But with miserable weather, arduous museum-visits and third-rate eats, Ivy League breakers needed chemical relief and patronized the local "chemist" for great U.K. drugs (unavailable in the U.S. without prescription).

Back at school, with the weather gorgeous, it seems that nobody can stand to sit in lecture. In a certain slow-paced Moral Reasoning lecture held in Sander's Theater, students have been bailing faster than you can say "Confucianism."

Can't let go of that vacation feeling? FM recommends you still go to an occasional lecture--just work during the day and play at night. Or you can go high-ball. For all the final club kid wanna-bes out there, locate your seersucker suit and French cuffs `cause punching season starts up next week. This go round, selection is very exclusive so consider yourself honored if, next week, you end up sipping Bloody Mary's in a fenced-off garden.

Whether on private lawns or in public parks, Harvard folks have been smitten by the love bug and aren't afraid to show it. Bronzed boy bods and diaphanous dresses make for wandering eyes and hands. But watch out for the P.D.A.-nazis. We hear that some couples are packing their pitter-pattering hearts (with a bottle of champagne) and fleeing the Square for a more natural, romantic locale. We recommend you do the same and don't ever look back.

After all, as your astrologist has probably already told you, regret is not at all cool this April. That goes for all the girls who lopped off locks for a cool, girlie look this season. And for those kids whose trip to Miami Beach ended with body art and/or disease transmission, keep the stress on the down low by drinking herbal tea, checking in with UHS and never, ever telling Mom. With everyone blubbering about Spring Break mishaps, keep your attitude cool because a snowflake but tattoo is nothing to brag about--that shit don't melt.