12:06 a.m.
Dodge cross-eyed bouncer and enter renowned Harvard sports bar. Accept drinks from underage hockey player. Drink unfortunately-named "Kumoniwannalaya." Translation: "Wanna have sex?"
2:13 a.m.
Closing time. Oops! Missed the last truck home. Guess it's time to find a warm, twin, extra-long bed to crash in. [Pause.] Just kidding! Do not have to go home with first sweaty, overweight beer-guzzler who approaches. Harvard women don't have to do that shit.
2:14 a.m.
Go home happy.