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JUST A SQUIRREL TRYIN' TO GET A NUT

NOTES FROM TWO WELLESLEY IMPOSTERS ON THE PROWL

12:06 a.m.

Dodge cross-eyed bouncer and enter renowned Harvard sports bar. Accept drinks from underage hockey player. Drink unfortunately-named "Kumoniwannalaya." Translation: "Wanna have sex?"

2:13 a.m.

Closing time. Oops! Missed the last truck home. Guess it's time to find a warm, twin, extra-long bed to crash in. [Pause.] Just kidding! Do not have to go home with first sweaty, overweight beer-guzzler who approaches. Harvard women don't have to do that shit.

2:14 a.m.

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Go home happy.

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