But as a reporter, I sometimes have to be alone and do my job.

One of the toughest weekends of my life was this past October. I went on the field hockey team's bus to Providence, accepted a gift of a "Harvard Field Hockey" hat, saw Harvard play badly and lose 3-1, stopped with the team on the way back at sophomore Judy Collins' house for a lasagna dinner and ripped them in Monday's paper.

The team was angry with the article. Rightfully? I don't know. I've read over that article again and again, but I'm still not sure whether or not it was too harsh. Maybe I crossed the line--maybe I was subconsciously afraid that hanging around the team made me biased, so I pushed myself too far the other way. Or maybe I didn't--maybe the voice inside my head that thought I was too critical comes from a natural gratefulness to a program that's been so good to me for three years. Maybe I have too much of a conscience. Maybe I don't have enough of one.

At times, it's awful being a reporter. But throughout it all, people like the Clarks have understood my dilemmas. That's all I can ask for.

* * *

Campbell dribbled across halfcourt, a thunk-thunk on the hardwood floor.

With each bounce, the crowd got louder and louder, realizing that this was going to be it. Penn played a suffocating man-to-man defense--so tight that no one was open.

I stopped breathing.

So as he had done so often that night, the quick point guard darted inside, looking for a layup, a foul, an open man, anything.

The Quakers were ready for this. Penn's Tim Krug met Campbell near the basket and blocked his shot before it got close to the rim, and I remember watching the ball slowly bounce along the ground out of bounds, thunk.....thunk...thunk..thunkthunkthunk

* * *

After a different field hockey game this fall, I finished my post-game interviews and then spotted two alumnae, Carrie Shumway '96 and Jessica Milhollin '96, on the other end of the field.

Most of the players and fans had already left, so I could clearly hear the ex-players bemoan to each other, "I wish I could have gone in there."

I wonder what we'll be like as alumni.

* * *