1. Four days before the half moon, stop eating all guar gum products.

2. On the half moon, make this drink in a blender:

1/2 cup pureed turnip greens

1/4 teaspoon ginger

1 cup peach schnapps

1 tablespoon crushed nutmeg

1/8 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup chocolate jimmies

a light sprinkle of paprika for color.

3. At exactly midnight, chant this Herbert Albert Laurens Fisher quote in forced iambic pentameter: All political decisions are taken under great pressure, and if a treaty serves its turn for ten or twenty years, the wisdom of its framers is sufficiently confirmed.

4. Wait exactly one minute, then chug the drink. A red wine chaser is suggested, though not required.

5. Smoke one Camel Unfiltered cigarette in the light of the moon, and then immediately go to bed.

6. You will have a dream in which your decision will become clear.

In my dream, Stephen Jay Gould was jumping up and down on my stomach, screaming, "Say it! I will go to Harvard or devolve. Say it! I will go to Harvard or devolve! Say it! Say it! Say it!" The next September, I matriculated at Harvard.