Conversation

Much like other facets of romantic interaction, interesting conversation can be faked. Feign intense interest in whatever inane subject comes up. "Wow, Bowling! I love bowling!" This is especially effective with seniors and their thesis topics.

Make occasional reference to previous points in the conversation. What has the person said so far? Bring it up again. This tactic gives the impression of interest in the person's limited life.

Exaggerate your popularity. Any passerby whom you've ever encountered should be greeted as a life-long friend-actual friends, enemies, former lovers, people in your roommate's Ec 10 section, library checkers and so forth. Beware of greeting too many individuals of your target's gender, however, as the target may A) get jealous or B) suspect that he/she is not the only one you've macked.)

Be blase. Remember: the target person is interesting, the party is not. If the party were so spectacular, why would you find each other so fascinating? This principle leads to the perfect suggestion: "This party needs help. Wanna get out of here?"

Transitions

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and the shortest walk of your life is between the party and your bed.

Beware of some of the pitfalls you may encounter on the way. Holding hands on the streets, for example, can lead to gossip and sabotage the situation. Halt for no man, as stopping to talk to friends cools the flames of passion.

Unless you are fortunate enough to live alone, the roommate situation can be hazardous. Things can only go so far in a heavily trafficked common room without suffering embarrassing and, er, wilting interruptions. Cancel the dog and pony show, and get thy booty to the bedroom!

In the Bedroom

There's always an excuse to visit your bedroom, no matter how flimsy. "Gee, I have something really interesting to show you. In my room. Come look." Some, if not all, of your interesting shit should have been planted near the bed during "Preliminaries." Strategically located condoms, of course, count as interesting shit.

The standard set of college gear falls into several spheres, depending on your personal taste: "interesting artsy decorations" (German Expressionist prints, obscure band posters, Dali), "I'm holding out on adulthood toys" (Star Wars action figures, Muppet collectibles, the Magic 8 Ball, anything from the JFK Street level of Urban Outfitters), and "sexually suggestive paraphrenalia" (massage oil, Susie Sexpert's Lesbian Sex World, whips, handcuffs). Invite the person to sit down on the bed with you so that they can get a good look at your stuff, and let the good times roll.

You know the drill from this point on. There's some flimsy excuse for physical contact, followed by the hideously awkward first kiss, and before you know it, someone's trying to hide their bad hair and lipstick smudges while doing the walk of shame home. Glory in your temporary triumph-just do yourself a favor and wash your sheets soon afterward.