MIFOL: Yes, I do know.
UGC: Hmmm....
MIFOL: Thank you. Have a nice day. Refusing to give up, even with his feet bleeding as a result of the past days' journeys, our faithful writer trudged on tirelessly. Seeking refuge in the warm arms of those tireless purveyors of Harvard trivia, the Crimson Key Society.
Our correspondent stopped a Key Tour that was just finishing up the "Three Lies of the John Harvard Statue" spiel. Knowing that Crimson Key folks went gaga for good humor, FM decided to crack a joke.
UGC: Yeah and did you guys hear about the fourth lie? That's not really even a staue, but a breeding ground for aliens that plan to take over that universe from their headquarters deep in the bowels of University Hall! Why don't you tell the tour that, Mr. Crimson Key?
Crimson Key Representative: Look, I really don't know what you're talking about. Now please, leave me and my tour alone!
UGC: You wish I'd leave you alone, loser-face. The truth must be heard! Aliens are breeding in the John Harvard statue!
CKR Waaaaah.
UGC: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, it's just that I'm supposed to write a question and answer column for Fifteen Minutes and it hasn't really been working out. I just wanted to be funny.
CKR: Get out of here, you pernicious little freak! I should have known.
UGC: C'mon, I'm really sorry...no hard feelings, right? I mean, I think you guys are great!
CKR: Well you suck. Get out of here you snivelling sore of a humanbeing!
After this intensely traumatic interaction, our Under Glass Correspondent disappeared entirely. Trustworthy sources report that he has been seen wandering naked around campus, whispering ecstatically to himself. "Ain't no use in talking to me, it's just the same as talking to you! Hee hee hee!"
Such is the sad but all too common fate of working journalists in today's ultra-competitive market. But fear not! Under Glass will trudge on as always! We await your queries!
Send any questions concerning Harvard to: Fifteen Minutes Q & A, 14 Plympton St., Cambridge 02138. Any information concerning the writer's state of health can be sent to the same address.