Rainbow Man (aka "John 3:16 Boy"): A get-out-of-jail-free card.

Tom Watson: A putting stroke.

Gary McCord: A Christmas card from Tom Watson.

Diego Maradona: A nuclear mail-bomb addressed to FIFA headquarters, Switzerland.

Dennis Hopper: Bruce Smith's shoe, man, a new overcoat and a life-time supply of "Halitosis" breath freshener.

Deion Sanders: A portable ego recharger for those long flights next September between Cincinnati and San Francisco.

Harvard squash, men's and women's: More of the same, thank you very much.

Dennis Rodman: "An NBA championship, an MVP trophy" ...well, no, actually, try more gullible ad executives and CEO's willing to pass out million-dollar endorsement deals like Halloween candy.

The Southwestern Conference: a proper headstone.

Steve Fisher: A) A Fabber Five than the new bunch of recruits he's already got; B) a non-aggression pact with the Ivy League; C) copies of Sun Tzu's "The Art of Coaching" and Clausewitz's "Time-out Strategy and How to Use It."

Gary Moeller: See C) above.

David Stern: Nothing. "I love the world, and I love this game, and what could be any better than that?"