Orientation week is a seven-day cocktail party. It's a homework-free romp through the Yard. It's an opportunity to bond with geniuses who got 1600s on their SATs and roommates who snorkle, write award-winning poetry and splice genes in their free time. It's a long, strange trip that's completely forgotten a month later.

Harvard first-year students come in at least two varieties: big orientation week fans and big orientation week critics. Very few think the experience is just "okay."

For those who like introductions, small talk and playing the name game, it's a blast. Every day is an opportunity to meet a future spouse, or at least a first girlfriend or boyfriend. Besides taking placements tests, the only responsibilities are socializing and more socializing.

The people who thoroughly enjoy orientation soon find that they don't have a single bad thing to say about Harvard. Their fate is sealed. They often become Crimson Key hosts, sharing their enthusiasm with tourists from around the world.

Less boppy students will describe orientation week as an "ordeal," or at least call it "weird." They find the placement tests too challenging, idiotic and numerous, and the ice-breaker events too shallow. The hi-what's-your-name-where-are-you-from-what's-y our-dorm-well-nice-to-meet-you mantra grows old very quickly, and the days become a blur of cookouts, sweaty parties and fierce scamming.

During the next three years, orientation week detractors will shake their heads sadly, recalling all the cute Jennys and Kevins that they met that week so long ago and haven't spoken to since.

Nevertheless, no one can accuse orientationweek of being like high school or like anythingelse from a 18 year-olds previous experience, forthat matter.

The first year's introductory extravaganzabegins on the day when dorms open, usually aFriday. This is a significant day. The bigquestions: Just who is this roommate? Will weclick? Will I instantly hate him/her? Does he/shehave a cool stereo system I can use? Is thatunpleasant smell due to his/her recent return froma week-long First-year Outdoor Program backpackingtrip, or is this a regular thing?

Roommate dynamics for the rest of the year arefrequently determined by the way students handlethe all-important bedroom selection process. Someroommates are nice and wait for everyone to arrivebefore they settle down in a particular room.Others do not.

That evening, it's time to discover theculinary wonders of the Harvard Union. This is thedining-room-away-from-home, where a 30-minute waitfor a plate of caponata spaghetti is nothingunusual, and where firstyears learn to dine to thedull roar of 1600 of their chattering classmates.Many believe that the Union, more than anythingelse, defines the first year experience. Neveragain do students eat Chickwiches with a group thesize of some Midwestern towns.

Classmates continue to move in on Saturday.Further roommate bonding takes place, or doesn't.Saturday is a good day for errands--a good day tospend big bucks. The Coop will be full offirst-years with parents in tow, examining theprices of laundry baskets, full-length mirrors andartsy M.C. Escher posters (every first-year roomhas at least one).

That weekend also marks the Ice Cream Bash, asocial function designed to initiate first-yearsinto the Square's fetish for frozen desserts. Forthe next four years, the Union will provide icecream at least once a day, giving its students thedelusion that in the real world, they will haveice cream regularly. The Bash is also one of thefirst opportunities to meet other members of theclass. It's certainly not the last.

The first weekend also kicks of the orientationweek party series, sponsored by fellow classmateswho would like to meet other classmates via keg.Recently, Yard parties have become harder to comeby due to a stricter alcohol policy at theCollege. Many students will likely spend everynight for the rest of the week--no, for the restof college--searching for The Party, which may ormay not actually exist. Good luck.

Sunday is highlighted by the Opening Exercises.First-years and their families sit on foldingchairs together in Tercentenary Theater and try toimagine four years at this place. They sing quaintHarvard songs, listen to witty speeches, lookaround at other families and try to convincethemselves that the next time they end up sittingon a Tercentenary Theater foldingchair--Commencement--is a long, long way away.

From Opening Exercises, the first-year classheads en masse to the Radcliffe Quad for agood old fashioned picnic--Harvard Dining Servicesal fresco, basically. Students are supposedto sit with their dormmates, but during the longmarch to the Quad, they tend to get separatedsomewhere between Johnston gate and the SheratonCommander Hotel. These kinds of things have a wayof happening on the way to the Quad.

Sunday night, students go back to their dormsfor a lengthy and somewhat interesting proctormeeting. Lengthy because the proctor will go overa neverending list of administrative rules.Interesting because this is the first look atintricate-but-oh-so-fascinating dorm relations.Students can entertain themselves during theproctor's "be supportive of each other" speech bystudying the other dorm in habitants and pickingout The Loner, The Social butterfly, The Kid Who'sRumored To Have A Perfect SAT Score But No One'sReally Sure, The Shoulder to Cry On Kid and TheAnnoying as Hell Kid.