And when the purists have finished gazing longingly at the historic red brick building, they can fix their eyes on the grass (home grown, one Oriole official reminded me, in Salisbury on Maryland's Eastern Shore) in right-center field, where the parents of legendary Yankees' slugger Babe Ruth once reportedly ran a tavern.
But look beyond these surface bits of manufactured nostalgia and there seems to be a conspiracy at work.
The sheer convenience of the entire place is designed to make fans soft. There is a 272-by-96 foot Sony Jumbo TRON screen so that the fans don't even have to watch the game live. The seats are designed five inches wider than those of other big league stadiums, a move clearly motivated by those who would profit from our sloth and obesity. There is also an extra half-foot of leg room, which promotes the exact sort of relaxed lounging that causes bad posture. The bullpens are elevated so fans do not need to strain themselves to see which pitchers are warming up.
This conspiracy is so far-reaching that even the ballplayers are targets. They have warm-up rooms, video rooms, press rooms, locker rooms, training rooms, bed rooms. The clubhouses and training rooms are huge and plush, and the bullpens are wired for cable TV. All this extravagance can only hurt the quality of the game. What ballplayer will want to leave the warm waters of the clubhouse jacuzzi for the burning August sun?
WHO IS BEHIND this conspiracy? Theories abound--the military-industrial complex, the money that has corrupted big-time politics, The Crimson business office--but no one is sure who's responsible.
And just when we need it most, there is a dearth of brave politicians willing to stand up to the conspiracy. President Bush, the ultimate political wimp, gave his tacit support for the stadium by throwing out the first ball in yesterday's sold-out opener with the Cleveland Indians.
Those who think that a Democrat in the White House would take action will also be disappointed. Though aides to Democratic presidential candidate Bill Clinton told me their man loves the game, I'm not convinced. Clinton is widely rumored to be a fan of the Houston Astros, a team that plays in the ultimate baseball horror--a domed stadium.
Even joining a grass-roots movement won't make any difference. When I asked a press officer in the Santa Monica, Calif. office of Jerry Brown about the new stadium, he scornfully replied that the former California governor has more important things to worry about.
Right. As if he has any chance of winning the nomination. Absent a nuclear Saddam or a beefed-up QRR requirement, fighting Camden should become the ultimate apple pie issue.
But while baseball fans are seduced and softened by Camden, the conspiracy is planning similar new ballparks in Cleveland, Milwaukee, and Arlington, Tex. The sad truth is that unless fans fight to take it back, the game of the old Comiskey Park will one day be little more than ancient history.