On the MTV dancers:

Sally: So everybody's standing around, like at a Bar Mitzvah. Suddenly, three blue-sequined and hot-panted women climb onto pedestals on the dance floor. A voice booms over the loudspeaker:

"Everybody make some noise for our Club MTV dancers: SOOOOZIE, ANN, LAU-REN! The more you put your hands together, the more they'll move their bodies for you," the WZOU DJ purrs.

This might as well be a striptease, but the audience is unmoved. They look on, stirring their drinks. Ann looks a little stoned. The DJ coaxes, sounding increasingly desperate.

"COME ON, YOU CAN MAKE MORE NOISE THAN THAT!"

On LAU-REN:

Miguel: Ah, Lau-ren. A body like poetry and eyes like burnt caramel flan. I can tell by the way she dances that her soul is tuned to the great cosmic pulse. She moves like dough being kneaded by the hands of God...

Sally: OK, OK, let's hit the bathrooms.

On Restrooms:

Miguel: The men's john is ridiculously small for a place this size: 1 stall, 4 urinals. The only point of interest is the sponge-paint splattered all over the walls--here a virile blue. Rubbers are 50 cents, but no one's buying.

Sally: And the ladies' powder room. A lascivious red. Yum. Condom purchases low here, too. But you can check your lipstick in the mirror over the sinks and subtly inspect your butt for those unseemly panty lines in the vertical mirror behind you with just a discreet toss of the head. How convenient!Middle Age:

Sally: We forgot to mention the first floor--a bunch of folks pondering their mid-life crises in a room that looks like the lounge in a slick hotel. Very beige, very soothing. Squat candles on white tablecloths, a rainforest-wood bar. A jazz/reggae/lounge band is playing "Red, Red Wine." No one seems to recognize the tune.

Couple of the evening:

Miguel: A pair of women sitting on a bench by the bathrooms. They've got their legs wound around each other and even manage to take time out from snuggling to stare down curious looks ("Fuck off, asshole!" the brunette says). True metropolitans. They're too sexy for this club.

Finallmpressions: