But while some compared her to Lady Macbeth, I'd liken her to another stage character--my favorite female literary creation, none other than Sophocles' Antigone.

Now that's a female to die for--a woman who shot from the hip and didn't take shit from any man. Of course, Antigone poses some problems. She's dead and fictional.

I hope I'm making myself clear. This is more than just another Harvard guy hitting on another Wellesley (class of '69) woman. I've finally found that ideal female, that perfect combination of brains and beauty, warmth and wisdom, legs and leftism. So she's married. Details, details. He travels a lot on business.

Some Harvard women think their male peers are pigs. But the 10,000 men of Harvard aren't merely testosterone-dripping, skirt-chasing, porn-grubbing phalluses. (We're that, too, but we're not merely that.) Those of us who don't scrape our knuckles against the ground when we walk (possibly a majority) do value mind over body.

And we're not lusting after June Cleaver. Our fantasies forswear feeble-minded females. What's in the head trumps what's in the bed.

It's more self-interest, I admit, than enlightened gender consciousness. Elevating physical attractiveness above all other virtues can have pernicious effects. You run the risk of marrying a moron, and you'll wind up bored out of your skull when she (or he) begins to sag.

And this brings me to Hillary, truly a woman for all seasons. Isn't it remarkable? A First Lady who isn't old enough to be my grandmother. Hillary, in fact, is young enough to be my...mother. We're making some progress.

It's not like my other options are that stunning. The women of Winthrop House, where I live, know me too well to love me. The women of The Crimson, where I occasionally write, won't go on the record with me.

And I don't like Tipper Gore, because she's big and she doesn't like obscene lyrics, whereas I'm small and I do like obscene lyrics.

It all comes back to Hillary. And yet the commandment forbids me: Thou shalt not covet thy president's wife. But Bill has done a little outside lobbying of his own, has he not? Isn't Hillary entitled to equal play for equal work? Seems only fair.

I think I stand a decent chance. I'm fairly witty, mildly charming and over five feet tall. I brush my teeth, wear clean socks and shower several times a month.

They say the Harvard name goes a long way. Let's see how far it will take me inside the corridors of power. This piece will probably prevent me from ever getting a job with Bill, so Hillary's my only shot. Let's see if she'll let me bake her cookies.

And like everyone else seeking a position in Washington these days, I know how to get attention. It's easy: I'll just send Hillary my resume. I can start in June. References available upon request.