And here, for the record, are Caruba's thoughts on the competition:
Paul Tsongas: "He has the charisma of fungus."
Tom Harkin: "Harkness? Harkus? Who? Harkett? He hasn't made much of an impression on me."
Jerry Brown: "Well, he's got good taste in music. I don't know if I'd want him running the country, though. Do you want to see a summer White House on Mars?"
George Bush: "Sheesh. Anything but Bush."
THE BORING INSTITUTE is more than the Political Inaction Committee for the Boring Party. It is an entity unto itself.
The Institute first gained national prominence when Caruba issued a press release claiming that the annually tedious Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade was in fact a 10-year-old videotape. Good clean fun.
But then the letters started pouring in. Serious letters. From seriously bored people. Depressed senior citizens. Juvenile delinquents. Drunks of all ages, colors and creeds. So The Boring Institute began issuing tips--useful, helpful, serious tips--on beating boredom. "Get the reading habit." "Develop hobbies." "Be a joiner." "Say, 'I can!'" "Be nice to yourself."
Fabulous. Now The Boring Institute is boring, too. Dry as dust. It's just another self-important voice crying out in a noisy wilderness. Which makes sense, because Alan Caruba comes off as somewhat of a bore himself. He repeats jokes, over and over. He rambles. He says the same thing to every reporter. He quotes bumper stickers. He vows to make "an endless series of boring speeches until Congress bends to my will."
Last Sunday around midnight, I walked through the Yard with a few friends. Silence. Complete silence. Scarcely a first-year light was lit. So my friends and I decided to inject a little life into the Class of '95. "HOLWORTHY SUCKS!" we shouted. It was all we could think of.
More silence. Then a window opened, and a couple of weary Holworthy frosh stuck out their heads. "Bo-ring," they chanted. "Bo-ring." Then they went back to sleep.
Maybe I'm naive, but I believe that American politicians can do better than "Holworthy Sucks." They can do better than "We believe that all Americans have the right...to leave the world a better place for having done the best they could with what they had, where they were." (That's the Boring Party platform. It's stolen from Teddy Roosevelt.)
But if they don't, I just might stay home next November
Michael R. Grunwald '92, the editorial chair for The Crimson, spent last week walking through Harvard Yard. He had nothing better to do.
'I crack myself up. I find myself endlessly entertaining.' Alan Caruba