"Sylvia, you look great! Not a day older."

"Tokemeister!"

"Shhhhh, don't call me that. They don't look too highly on controlled substances at Goldman Sachs."

"Looks like Irma's gained a bit of weight--no more short shorts for her. Bill looks pretty good, though."

"Bill's bald. Completely bald. Much balder than me. Less handsome. And less svelte. I hear you're divorced, too?"

"Five years now. I've been living in Fresno with my son Moonray and my daughter Aquarius--she was born after we moved into our first condo, before we bought our first Mercedes."

"I wonder what time it is. Let me check my Rolex..."

TRUE, things like scholarships, renovations and the rocks in front of the Science Center would not happen without the generosity of alumni. And we will all be alumni in a year or so. But will we really need incentives like Gatsbyesque parties and admissions tips for our kids? Alumni should be (and most probably would be) willing to settle for a dedicatory inscription on a Lamont Library cubicle.

A few Harvard administrators do genuinely care about the alumni as individuals. But for many, it is just a machine--a cash machine.

Congratulations, graduating seniors. Someday, this will all be yours.

Tara A. Nayak '92, associate editorial chair of The Crimson, will be back in '97, '02, '17, '42...