Harvard can harness this prestige-lust with life-sized cardboard cut-outs of its cultural icons. The endless parade of Yardgoers will gladly shell out 10 bucks for pictures of themselves kissing Rudenstine, draping their arms around John Kenneth Galbraith, rubbing Marty Feldstein's bald pate, giving Alan Dershowitz the finger.

ESTIMATED ANNUAL INCOME--A thousand pictures a day, 365 days a year, $9.50 profit per print: $3.5 million a year.

SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND: Could inflate The Dersh's ego, if such a thing is possible.

4. CLUB BIZ-MED: The fast-track Smith Barney/Morgan Stanley/Salomon Brothers crowd needs B-school diplomas because their bosses told them to get B-School diplomas. Especially Harvard B-School diplomas.

But they shouldn't have to go to B-School to get them. And Harvard shouldn't have to waste millions of dollars paying the highest-salaried professors in the country to teach basically useless technobabble.

So here's the deal. We eliminate the pretense and sell Harvard MBAs to the highest bidders, regardless of merit. Investment bankers will shell out big-bucks down payments--plus guaranteed percentages of their future earnings--to reserve two-year vacations at the already well-endowed Shangri-La across the river. Their companies will probably chip in, too--hey, prestige is prestige.

The B-School is already lush, immaculate, palatial. It already has a $5 million gym. Just convert its classrooms into additional accommodations and Harvard is ready to do some real business.

ESTIMATED ANNUAL INCOME--Two "classes," 1500 students per "class," an average of $40,000 per "student": $120 million. Subtract $10 million for upkeep, wet bar and framed diplomas. Add $10 million windfall for axing professor salaries.

WARNING: Nobody tell Ralph Nader.

5. WIDENER NO-TELL MOTEL: Sex in the Widener stacks is the great Harvard achievement. But how many of us ever actually accomplish this noble ambition? We are too scared of being Ad Boarded, too scared of running into other couples, too scared of forgetting birth control and being locked in for the night with little to do.

The solution: from 10 p.m. until 8 a.m., make Widener a hotel. Couples could make reservations months in advance (think how valuable those prized Commencement week slots would be) to occupy a level of Widener for the night.

And here's the kicker... false danger! We'll preserve that omnipresent fear of being discovered: A security guard will still patrol the premises and wander onto every floor. But no one will get caught. The guard will make plenty of noise, giving the customers time to scurry away before she catches them in flagrante delicto.

It's ritualized danger--Harvard students (and wannabes entranced by the stacks legend) can pretend to take the risk without suffering any nasty, resume-ruining consequnces. Complimentary birth control included.

ESTIMATED ANNUAL INCOME--Ten levels, 250 school days, $100 per couple per night: $250,000.

POSSIBLE INCONVENIENCE: May convince Moral Majority to pick Widener as firebomb target.