That kind of language will not help your situation. This is not an interactive software game. This is your phone service. This is serious. As punishment, your call will be handled by the last available operator.

Muzak streams through the lines. Voice mail suddenly clicks on.

To leave a message for someone in their voice mailbox you must know their mailbox code, their PAC number, your PAC number, the square root of 67687, the initial enrollment of Justice and the number of first-year students who will fail the QRR the second time within two standard deviations of the mean. You have 30 seconds.

Your finger trembles with a Tetrislike anxiety over the possible mathematic combinations. In frustration and anger, you begin to dream of the ideal voice mail message.

If you want me to die by asphyxiation Press 1.

If you want me to inhale asbestos fumes until I glow Press 2.

If you want me to ride the Harvard Shuttle all day Press 3.

SUDDENLY there is a loud beep.

A seemingly live voice announces:

The Harvard University Network--for one week the sole communication outlet for the campus area--has been forced by the competitive forces of capitalist society to give up its monopoly of local and long distant services.

You must choose one of the new systems or by default you will be enrolled in a 9 am Organic Chemistry section meeting in Van Serg.

Press 1 to continue with HUN.

Press 2 for Quad-Lines--the high energy network.

Press 3 for YCI--Yard Communications International.

Again, you linger too long over the choices and the call is cut off. The last words you hear before heading off to find a map to look for Van Serg are Thank you for using HUN--the network that makes it even easier never to talk to real people.

Beth L. Pinsker '93 apologizes profusely to the nice people at HUN. She really would appreciate having her phone reconnected.