They're what's wrong with the world today. Japanese products are corrupting American society. They're responsible for the unemployment, homelessness, drug addiction, illiteracy and dissolution of traditional family values. It's all Japan's fault.

WHAT do you mean I'm hysterical? I have the American public on my side. A Newsweek poll showed that "Americans now view Tokyo's economic power as a greater threat to the United States than the Soviet military." It's a Japanese invasion, a Japanese version of the Cold War. We need a new containment policy.

Change? Why should the United States change its economic policies or improve its production quality? The most powerful nation on earth does not have to change. We're doing things the right, honest, old-fashioned credit-card-spend - your - money - don't-worry-be-happy way. It's not our fault that we're beginning to lose the race.

It's the Japanese who need to change. They need to stop using new technology. They should learn to use credit cards. They need to chill out.

But in the meantime, we need to keep our eyes open. They are everywhere. Out to get us. They look weird, strange, you know--FOREIGN. Don't get them mixed up with the West Germans or South Koreans. The Japanese are the real culprits.

So watch out for camera-clicking tourists in the Yard. Otherwise, we'll be eating sushi soon.