Now, the only loyal people I can bond with are the guys across the hall. If you knew them, you'd realize how pathetic and desperate I am. These beer guzzlers swear that they view women only as sex objects and figures of lust. That might explain why their libidinal pursuits are so remarkably unsuccessful.

When I moan about my boyfriend shortage, they are the only ones who sympathize with me. "Buck up, Betty. At least you're not a Heinous Bush Pig, and you're okay to talk to."

FINALLY, I took matters into my own hands. After hearing endless refrains of "I'm going to the Leverett, North, Lowell, Cabot and Winthrop formals. Are you going to any?" I was fed up with my loveless state. I did something I never ever thought I would do. Something incomprehensible. I decided to ask someone to the Quincy formal.

Discussing it with my traitor-friends, I decided that I did not want to ask male friends, men I don't like, men I don't know and men who don't worship the ground I walk on, send me multiple bouquets of flowers and help me pass the QRR.

That sort being in short supply, I decided to call up someone I don't know very well who seemed acceptable. He eats with silverware and doesn't blow his nose on his sleeve.

He laughed at me and called me ridiculous.

At least I gained compassion from the experience. I swore to myself that I would never, ever again ignore a guy at a dance or laugh when someone asks me out.

At last, I found a date.

I am not desperate anymore, but I'm not especially picky anymore, either. I'm not looking for perfection. All I want is a tall, dark, attractive, intelligent, kind, caring and sensitive Harvard man. Is there a Kevin Costner here? Someone who could pretend to be?

By the way, I am free to go to any other formals. I'm fun, sensitive, intelligent and a consumate complainer Imagine--we could share in the ageless Harvard tradition of going to formals and spending the night whining about the music, lighting and crowded dance floor. Then we could go home and complain to our roommates about how there are no decent men/women at Harvard.