2. Hypnotize Rodgers into believing Joe Kleine is the answer to his problems: Just picture it. Kleine's name is announced before the tip-off. Parish is stunned. The fans are shocked. Rodgers meditates to Buddhist chants played near the Celtics bench.

In the game, Patrick proceeds to score 125 points. Then Jackson takes him out at the half. Knicks win, 145-68. After the game, Rodgers says of the move to replace Parish with Kleine, "Joe has positive karma."

3. Sign Jesse "The Body" Ventura to a 10-day contract and release Eddie Lee Wilkins: They do it in the NHL, why not the NBA? Besides, Wilkins should have gone a long time ago, and desperate times require desperate measures.

In just three minutes, Ventura atomic-knee drops Bird into the backboard and applies the sleeper hold to McHale. Sure, the Celts get two technical fouls, but imagine the long-term benefits.

There you go, Stu. Use them if you like, there's no charge. But if they work, just make sure you mention my name in the papers. I'm about to graduate. I could use a job.

Editor's Note--At least the author thinks Stu Jackson dresses well.