.Dining hall food prevents starvation quite adequately.

.We think that the jokes of the Harvard Lampoon can sometimes, maybe, in a way, get close to being...

OKAY, let's not get ahead of ourselves. We have clearly demonstrated that not everything in The Crimson is negatively inclined.

In fact, it is only with great regret that we publish the results of our "unscientific," not "based on rigorously designed surveys" study of the Harvard Gazette.

Result 1: Based on a study of the recycling bins in our entryways, unread copies of the Gazette constitute precisely 91.8 percent of recycled newsprint at Harvard.

Result 2: Based on a poll of three people sitting at our table in the dining hall, 100 percent of Harvard students have never read the Gazette, 66.6 percent have never heard of it, and 33.3 percent believe it is The Crimson's weekly magazine.

Result 3: Based on a study of two human subjects, reading the Harvard Gazette is a more effective sleep-aid than memorizing transcripts of EC 10 lectures.

As far as we're concerned, this sort of negativity has no place on the opinion page of a respectable newspaper. As our first-grade teachers used to tell us, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. And get your finger out of your nose."

Out of respect for Miss Pyle and Mrs. Dugan, we vow to say only nice things from now on. Our motto is no longer "Which side are you on?"

It's "Don't worry, be happy."