Dear Sirs and Madam:

I have heard the rumor that Donald Harvard is interested in selling his university. I am always looking for a good, high-quality investment and would like to engage in a friendly buyout of this property.

I imagine, however, that Mr. Harvard has a certain sentimental attachment to the place and, therefore, I would like to assure you all that any changes I would make to Harvard University would only make it even classier. In fact, under my leadership, I am confident that Trump University would enter the 21st Century as the center of classy learning in the world.

For example, I would completely renovate Memorial Hall. On the exterior, I envision neon signs everywhere. Nothing jazzes up a place like neon. On the interior, I see plush red carpeting, subdued overhead lighting, and lots and lots of mirrors. None of that cheap velour stuff like you might see elsewhere.

Of course, you may ask how I would pay for all this. That's where the gaming tables come in. Don't worry--there'd only be a few of them. We'd need most of the floor space for the slot machines, so as to attract the senior citizens.

As for Sanders Theatre, I plan to convert that into one of the premier entertainment spots in the world. All the top quality acts, all your Wayne Newtons and Rip Taylors, would play there.

Of course, this is only one of my ideas, but it is enough to show you that I have the energy and know-how to make Harvard University, as Trump University, an even classier place to get a liberal arts education. My people will be in touch with your people.   Sincerely,   The Donald   Trump Tower, NYC

Dear Sirs and Madam:

I would like to express my interest in the position of Harvard President which you advertised in the Times. I believe Harvard would be an ideal place for me to consider some of the deeper questions. For instance, is there a higher being in the universe? And, if so, is he the type who knows about cheeses and buys sports coats off the rack?

And what about love? I have a friend who believes people can only find happiness through romantic, passionate love, but then he's never taken a hot shower in a bathroom with really good water pressure.

I don't know, maybe Freud was rightmaybe we are all doomed to repeat the mistakes of our parents. Perhaps that explains why I campaigned door-to-door for Herbert Hoover last year. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to be Harvard President, although, come to think of it, the one person I know who went to Harvard was my cousin Irving, who later had a nervous breakdown in which he put on a squirrel costume and tried to climb the Empire State Building, so maybe its not such a hot idea after all.   Sincerely,   Allen Konigsburg   (Woody "Allen")